Archive for March 2011

How to Break Up With Someone

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There you go :)  Glad you know how to break up with someone now, use any of the above options, have a nice day!

Hehe ok so I’m not a relationship queen or anything like that (FAR, FAR from it) but here are some rules on how to break up with someone.  It’s largely derived from a Psychology Today article by Elizabeth Svoboda called “The Thoroughly Modern Guide To Breakups” found in the Feb 2011 issue.  I really liked it, possibly should also have taken it’s advice and I haven’t really, but if sharing it helps one other  person than my job here is done.  Short of someone dying, breaking up with someone and being broken up with is the hardest thing one ever has to endure.  Hopefully this makes things a little easier.

  • RULE #1 – YOU BREAK UP WITH YOUR PARTNER NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. 

Do not be so horrible that you force them into breaking up with you.  It’s YOUR feelings that have changed, it’s YOUR life that you want to go in a different direction from what it’s going in and it’s you who wants a break up so don’t be a jerk, don’t be an asshole, and don’t all of a sudden avoid their phone calls, spend an insane amount of time with your friends, give one word answers, etc in an effort to make them break up with you.  Honestly, all you are doing is making them question themselves.  You’re making them overlook what their own basic instincts were telling them about your relationship; they can’t trust how they felt about you, they can’t trust what they saw or heard or felt in your relationship.  If you make them break up with you, you ARE crippling them for any future relationship.  They will not be able to trust anyone because they have no idea what went wrong, therefore the only thing they can think of is that THEY are wrong.  You’ve made them blame themselves.

  • Rule #2 – Do not break up via email, text, Twitter, Facebook etc.  Face to Face baby.

We were not born to communicate via text or email.  It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it.  It could be the look in your eyes saying “hey you still care about them it just didn’t work out” or the tone in your voice saying you mean this… just the fact that you are there face to face shows that you were worth that much.  You cannot properly communicate through a 20 second delay through text message.  I for one cannot have a serious conversation through text let alone breaking up with someone!  I need to see their face, hear their tone, and perhaps lighten the mood with a look or a smile.  Having a face to face conversation ensures closure.  Trust me when you look back on the moment ten years later you will be happy that you met face to face.

  • Rule #3 - Be nice, and be honest.

You’re already breaking up with them, there is no reason to hurl insults.  You should have done that before the breakup lol so they at least knew what was wrong and how you felt.  At this point, you’re just sealing the deal, there is no reason to argue, no reason to say “You’re a ****** of **** you dirty ****”.  It’s not going to solve anything, it’s not worth it.  Do be honest, if you’re just not in love with them anymore, say it, but there’s no reason to get nasty and talk about how you faked every orgasm or how you hate his mother.  It’s your job at this point to keep them going and keep their self esteem up – you don’t want them to think they are a horrible person because they weren’t, you just weren’t right for each other.  There is no reason to cut them down. 

  • Rule #4 – It’s not You its Me.  Avoid saying this.

Pretty self explanatory.  Saying something like this is usually false, it doesn’t sound sincere and the person you’re breaking up with deserves an explanation, ANY explanation.  They deserve a true explanation not some generic line.  If you can’t think of an explanation maybe you shouldn’t initiate a break up because you’re obviously  clueless and confused.  Figure your ish out first before you break up with someone.  You need to be clear on your reasons.  Avoid a point by point breakdown however because you don’t want your partner to be like: “no that’s not what happened”, “it was actually your fault we lost our dog”, etc.  It’s not about minor details at this point so there’s no reason to go into a case by case breakdown.

  • Rule #5 – Do not suggest being friends after.

At this point it’s just not a good idea.  You should move on first, then if you can be friends in the future that’s fine but your first step should be moving on completely.  Otherwise your partner may just remain in limbo.  That doesn’t mean you should ignore your partner afterwards, it just means it’s probably best to not have a friendly dinner date just yet.

  • Rule #6 – Express yourself

If you want to text the person you just broke up with and say it sucks that the future we talked about just didn’t happen, I’m sorry, I wanted it to work out but this is for the best and this is what I want – SAY IT.  There is nothing wrong in letting them know that you are upset with how things ended.  A break up is usually something no one walks into a relationship thinking they will do.  Both parties are injured.  Let the person you broke up with know that you feel pain as well.  Just make sure that you don’t give them the impression that you made a mistake in breaking up; end each communication with something along the lines of “this is for the best”, “this is what I want”, etc.

  • Rule #7 - Do not beg.  Do not protest.

O gosh.  If you’re being dumped, you’re being dumped.  Nothing you say or do will change their mind.  It’s better to just leave when someone wants to leave you.  You don’t want to change their mind!  Trust me.  Just accept it.  Dumpees for the love of God follow this rule for any future break up.

  • Rule #8 – Say No to Revenge

Just move on!  Stop making them the center of your world by plotting ways to kill them, kill their new gf, destroy their relationship with their family etc.  It’s not worth your sanity.

  • Rule #9 – Feel the Pain

Be honest with yourself.  It’s ok to be in unbelievable pain, you don’t have to pretend that everything is ok.  Don’t numb it down by drinking and going out every night, having meaningless sex, or travelling the world (aka running away).  Eventually you have to come home and it’s better to feel the pain now rather than later.

  • Rule #10 – Love again

You’ll find someone else!  Believe that.

Moment’s with Strangers

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I love sharing an intimate moment with a stranger (not the one night stand kind although I’m sure that’s very nice as well).  It helps me feel connected to the world and makes you realize how we are all so similar and all human.

It doesn’t have to be a sit down and cry raw emotion type of moment but even a commiserating glance with someone else who has been waiting a long time at the cash register, a smile with someone else who saw something funny on the sky train; anything that connects you with another person for a moment.  I just LOVE that.  I get shivers.  I love feeling like part of one giant circle of life.  I’m a Lion King era baby what else can I say? :)

I’ve had some amazing “stranger moments” with people and so many people who have touched my life without even knowing it.  I’m not being dramatic but I could have died and been raped if not for some strangers so… thank you to all the strangers out there!  I’m sure I’ll have a “Five People You Meet In Heaven” moment with you on the other side.

Rumours

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I don’t confirm or deny rumours.  It’s weird because I’m like extra gung ho on this and I’ve always been this way.  If someone male or female wants to talk about me I really don’t care to defend myself to people who want to listen to rumours.  “What other people think about me is none of my business” is kind of my philosophy.  Not that I’m someone who hears a ton of rumours about myself but just in general this is how I feel.  I’ve been asked the most outlandish things and my response is always: it’s none of your business… I don’t confirm or deny rumours, sorry.  So can you imagine how difficult my life gets because I think this way?  It would almost be easier to sit there and say “yes that is true”, “no that is false”.  Instead I respond with “um that’s nunya (business)” and the person who asked me is just like are you serious?!
Yes, I mean it SERIOUSLY.  If you were my FRIEND and you listened to someone talk ish about me and then felt the need to come up to me to ask me if it was true, you really don’t deserve an answer.  At the end of the day you need to grow up, use your brain and make your own decisions about people.   You can’t be spoon fed your whole life waiting around for the truth.  You have to believe what you want and follow through on your beliefs and your instincts.  At the end of the day no matter what I say you’re going to have to choose to believe me or not so I’m just skipping the “whole waste of my time explanation” part and making you decide right away because that’s what you’re going to have to do at the end anyway.  I hate listening to gossip.  I just think people who do are really ugly (physically).  They disgust me.  Obviously, life is not black and white and there are exceptions to this rule but yeah generally speaking I will not ever confirm or deny a rumour, and you shouldn't either :)  Let people think what they want.
On the flip side if I have ever asked someone something, I will believe what they tell me.  I believe that it is better to be deceived than to distrust a friend.  Also, if they are lying to me, their fate lies in God’s hands not mine, so it doesn’t harm me to believe them.

Bullies

If you only have ten seconds read this:

You have two choices on how to deal.  You can either “scrap it out” or shut up.  You can’t NOT scrap it out and still run your mouth – that makes zero sense.  Unless the other person can’t even be bothered to scrap it out with you… then you’re just lame for harbouring a hatred for someone who doesn’t even give an eff.  Screw bullies and eff bitches.

Now if you have more time to spare, here are my ramblings and philosophies on the two.  Maybe you will relate, maybe you feel I deal with things completely wrong but here jump in my head and let’s check it out.

Background.

As most of you know, I was born in Singapore and I moved to Canada in 1994.  What that means is that as a child I had this dorky Singaporean accent for my first few years in Canada (I still do actually but I’ve developed a Canadian one for when I’m oot and aboot), big ears, I was painfully shy and had a braid, and I didn’t know American tv shows or cartoons like Puff the Magic Dragon and Pippi Longstocking or Barney for the longest time.  I was somewhat culturally clueless and it left me feeling unbelievably displaced.  It’s a big change even if you are only a little kid to move from Asia to North America.  If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts you will know that I spent most of my time reading.  All in all I wasn’t a “cool” chick and I was bullied up until about gr. 4. 

Bullies.

A funny word for funny people.  Now that I’ve grown up and have become the pretty confident chicka I am today one would think that no one would ever dare to bully me, and if they did, that it wouldn’t affect me.  Not exactly the case.  There are still bullies in the world even at this age and it’s unfortunate that some people still feel the need to put others down in order to feel better about themselves.  When you’re older the face of your bully may change or even disappear.  Cyber bullying is unbelievable right now with sites like the Dirty and Facebook making it ok for anyone to make an account or post something nasty about you.  It may happen at work when you’re intimidated or pressured by an imbalance of power to do something you don’t want to.  It could be verbal/physical/social like excluding someone.  My policy now as it was then is to ignore it.  I actually find it funny when I encounter it; it makes me smile because I have come so far from the girl who used to come home to cry to my mother or disappear into a book.  But – that doesn’t mean that I’m immune to a bully.

At the core of it all, no matter how high my heels are, how expensive my jeans are or how big I can tease my hair (actually this is a lie I never tease my own hair, Tamara S from Pizazz does it for me – she’s awesome!), I’m still the same geeky Singaporean chick that I always was, I just have a lil more sway in my step.  It amazes me to know that some people in the world think I’m attractive (?? I know…don’t laugh!  GOSH you’re mean you bully!) because in my head I’m a total Looneytune and some situations that I’ve been in I just look around like haha wow who knewwww me, lil ol Sharin, would ever be here and I laugh inside like a maniac.  So if you see me walking with a smile on my face, I’m not smirking at you, I’m smirking at the world because you should never let anyone stop you from doing what you want to do.  You should never let anyone make you feel inferior. 

It does hurt when people don’t like me, I’ve always felt this overwhelming need to be liked but hey, you win some you lose some!  Stop stressing!  Do you feel the same way?  You can’t expect everyone in the world to like you and as long as they don’t like me for who I am rather than for what I’ve done – I’m ok with it.  Was that confusing?  Ok listen, if someone doesn’t like me because I’ve actually DONE something to them – then I am a bad person; I wronged someone knowingly or unknowingly and I am not ok with that.  I really do live my life trying not to wrong anyone.  If they don’t like me for my opinions or because I laugh too much or because I take attention away from them or whatever it is then SCREW THEM!  There are a few people (that I know about) that don’t like me and I never bothered to ask them why because it was out of the blue to me and I know that I’ve never done anything to them so… whatever.  Their loss.  I’m just being me and what other people think of me is none of my business.

If you really don’t like someone, then either shut up, or scrap it out.  I don’t necessarily mean be violent (although if that’s what you mutually want then whatever as long as it’s a fair fight) but you have to go head to head, say what you need and then move on!  You don’t have to settle the matter and be friends but as long as you’ve made your stance clear that you dislike the person then just continue living your life rather than making them the center of your hate filled world.  You cannot do NOTHING to square off against someone but then proceed to make funny faces, talk shit about them to other people and say the word “whore” under your breath every time you walk by each other.  That’s just a waste of your energy, it’s stupid and it makes you a bully (and immature!).

So to all the bullies out there, stop wasting your time!  To all the bullied people or people who have a few haters in this world, you must be doing something right because you have something that intimidates the other person.  There is something about you that they can’t control or can’t be/wishes they were like or maybe they are like you but they don’t have the confidence to showcase it and they want to bring you down.  That mean’s you’re coming out ahead of them brother, keep doing your thing and eff the haters!

My Rant on Gender Issues and the Colour Pink. READ IT ALL! It’s worth it!

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I have been meaning to write on this topic for a while and I’m not going to write this all “professionally” just fyi so don’t mind the swear words and asterisks. Boys, you should read this because eventually you might have a little girl one day (and then you’re going to freak out and try to raise her to be the opposite of every girl you’re trying to hook up with right now). Girls you should read this because you’re my homies.
If I was a mom, I don’t know what the best way would be to raise a daughter. This issue is close to me because I often know where my parents are coming from in the decisions they make to raise me (even though they don’t know that I know this), and I have often said to myself “I wouldn’t do the same thing to my children” but would I? I’m not so sure. I was brought up
  • watching Disney movies
  • wearing cute party frocks
  • being in baby beauty contests
but I was also brought up playing with my sister’s hand me down toys and other awesome toys that I chose myself such as
  • a train set which would emit real steam
  • Lego sets
  • board games and other cool toys.
I only had ONE Barbie doll and other than a 30 second hair brushing every other day she did not get played with very much. I think I grew up to be quite an awesome person.

I hate Princesses. I hate the word princess. I hate the Princess collection that Disney has relatively recently put out. I hate how girls seem to have limited choices of toys to play and that companies have brainwashed people into thinking that everything needs to be pink now for a girl to like it. I know my font colour is pink and there’s nothing wrong with the colour itself but I just hate seeing a little girl dressed head to toe in pink, playing baseball with her pink baseball bat and mitt. I hate it because THAT’S NOT ALL THERE IS OUT THERE. I’m not saying giving a girl a pink bat is eventually going to turn her into this girl:
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or this girl:
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BUT SHE MIGHT. I’m just saying, your little Lady might turn into a little Tramp if you’re not careful and it’s scary how unknowingly we can be priming girls for earlier and earlier sexualisation
There is this perception by toy companies that a female would only want to play a sport if she has her pretty little version of the equipment. Little girls that prefer playing sports and getting dirty are considered tomboys rather than just…athletic girls. It’s ridiculous. Sorry toy companies but I don’t need a “girl version” of Lego where everything is in pink to want to build things.
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LEGO® bricks in beautiful colors!
Build a house, a pony, or anything else you can imagine with this special box filled with LEGO® bricks in colors you love and elements like fences, windows, doors and flowers!
Yeah because that’s all girls love to build; ponies, houses, and flowers and only boys can build hospitals, spaceships and helicopters.
Why do boys get the rest of the colours and girls get stuck with pink? (side note: did you know that pink was actually meant for boys because it was a pale red, and blue for girls as it was the colour associated with Virgin Mary? That’s why early cartoons such as Alice in Wonderland and Cinderella wear pale blue.) I can’t believe PARENTS ACTUALLY BUY THEIR DAUGHTERS STUFF LIKE THIS:
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Designers edition Scrabble, in the colour pink with the letters spelling the word “Fashion”. Cute. I wonder who their target market is even though this doesn’t specifically say “for girls”? Why does the pink version of Scrabble need to spell Fashion???!?!?!?!?! Why can’t it spell SCIENCE? OR MATH? OR BUSINESS? A**holes.
Designers Scrabble is nothing compared to Boutique Monopoly.
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Pretty in Pink – Just for You, Girl! Buy Boutiques and malls, go on a shopping spree, pay your cell phone bill and get Text and Instant Messages. You and your friends will adore the funky tokens, cool buildings and cute illustrations.
I didn’t realize that normal Monopoly was for boys only. Does this mean I should not use my trusted Rover as a game piece and switch to a Chihuahua in purse game piece instead? Instead of picking up CHANCE or OPPORTUNITY I have to make do with getting an instant text message? Oh em gee that like totally sucks. Instead of buying houses and hotels I am supposed to be interested in boutiques and malls? I’m surprised Jail is still Jail and not a spa day! Why do people think that beauty and fashion are all girls care about? Even if they (toy companies) do think that then why do we allow this to go on? Why do we allow people to perpetuate this stereotypical behaviour?
Honestly.. I would rather have this Monopoly set: 6BF07953
Now that’s freaking legit.
Throughout my life I’ve noticed a few things and I want to ask why. Why do people at checkout counters say “why hello princess” to little girls and then proceed to comment on how CUTE they look (focusing on their looks),why are there “princess meals”, why do hairdressers tell little girls to sit in the special princess throne so they can get their princess hair cut? Why do skate rinks promote Daddy daughter skate day as “Daddies bring your little princesses on Monday for a special daddy daughter skate day”. WT EFF IS UP WITH ALL THIS PRINCESS SH*T?! If the same skate company had said “Daddies bring your lil champs to skate today” would you still think they meant for you to bring your daughter? It's funny how the world "champ" short for "champion" is typically used to describe little boys.
Most grown women I know would be offended to be called a princess. Being called a princess means that you are likely high maintenance, live in a dream world, and you’re probably also snobby and condescending. So why in the world would we want to encourage our daughters to grow up thinking being a princess is a magical and special way to be? Why would we want them to grow up wanting to be princesses? Most princesses in Disney movies are weak people from broken or dysfunctional families that eventually get saved by a male. Of course, the prince who saves them falls in love with them because of their good looks and not much else. Cinderella’s hubby didn’t see her dressed in scrubs and cleaning the toilet and THEN proceed to fall in love with her - she needed a fairy godmother and a stunning ball gown to get her man. Princesses also don’t have very strong female relationships or role models and they seem to only be able to communicate with tea cups and saucers, mice or fish. That’s not exactly something I would want for a little girl. Which leads me to play time.
As a boy, you have so many more options during play time at home. You can play sports with friends, you can play act to be a superhero or a frog or a monkey or a knight and be really active and imaginative.
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Little girls on the other hand sit indoors playing tea time or pretending to cook on their kitchen set BY THEMSELVES or with other inanimate objects.
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It’s no wonder females find it so difficult to get along when they’re older and every other girl becomes a “bitch”. They never learnt how to interact with each other from the beginning.
Why does this have to be so? I also think that playing “princess” primes them for early sexualisation. Girls as young as 4 have become fixated on their appearance and directly relate how they feel to how they look. (read my post on Feeling Fat). It's unhealthy to say the least. Everyone in this world is more than their appearance, more than their sex, more than just a body.
Dora the Explorer was a pretty cool cartoon I thought. She had normal un-princess like clothing, simple features and she actually had something to do. She explored. She taught a language. She was the antithesis of everything princess. Until this.
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Magic Hair Fairytale Dora. Play with Dora’s hair girls! Instead of wanting to be adventurers and go out in the world and explore things why don’t you just sit inside and grow Dora’s hair magically? Isn’t that all you really should be caring about anyway?
What do you think? Do you think I’m taking this all way too seriously? Do you think it’s ok that the toy aisle that’s full of pink toys is the girl’s aisle? Do you think that the world is pigeonholing girls more and more as time goes on? Of course there are multiple things that are wrong with this world and I could write more and more about this topic and other topics, but I just wanted to get it out there and keep it as short as possible so that the message would come across. I’m beyond mad but I hope that reading this has made you a little mad too and hopefully it will open a few eyes and make you be a little more critical.

Lingering fear

Ok so this is a random short post because I’m going to crash soon and have to wake up at 5am but…one of my lingering, nagging fears (so not a fear that’s constantly there but a mellower more brooding fear) that pops up every so often is the fear that my close friends will eventually turn on me for reasons unbeknownst to me.  Maybe I’m just paranoid.  You see it happen on 90210 or Gossip Girl all the time, where someone out there is out to get you and all of a sudden your boyfriend, your friends, even your parents turn against you and you have no way of telling everyone what the truth is; or you tell them and they just don’t believe you.  Ah there you go that’s my fear: telling someone the truth and them not believing you.

I just think it’s horrible… – I don’t mean telling someone that you can just write off like ok whatever they don’t believe you - their loss, I mean someone who you deeply and truly care about like your parents or your really close friends. I mean in this day and age where you have sites like “The Dirty” where people can say anything and everything they want about you without repercussions it just seems like it’s something that could happen easily.

Anyone out there can say anything about you, and it’s true that your worst enemies are the ones you don’t even know about.  Some random guy or girl might say some random thing about you and there’s nothing that you can do to stop them.  If you’re someone that is actually friendly and outgoing, chances are people are going to believe the random guy and believe effed up rumours about you (well to you they’re effed up but they might be something small and believable).  It’s just so WEIRD and not fair.  There’s nothing you can do to protect yourself and you just have to hope and believe that people you love and that “know” you will know what kind of person you are.  It’s not just about rumours, but say you’re being possessed by the Devil or something and you tell someone and instead of believing you they think you’re mental?!  I used to tell my guy friend all the time to remember to take me seriously if I ever say I’m being possessed.  Like legit conversation. 

Anyways I guess in short one thing that I want to tell people is that looks can be deceiving.  Things aren’t always what they seem.

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