Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Trying To Stay Positive

 

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I’m a big believer in thinking positive and that we can all achieve anything that we set our minds to.  I believe that our minds have powers that are beyond our comprehension.  I believe that we inadvertently or for those who have discovered “the secret” as it’s often called (the power of positive thinking) purposefully shape our own destinies.

I think I was always a positive person and that I always kind of had this sense that I could “make” things happen.  A lot of my positive thinking was just visualizing, visualizing my life in my head – aka day dreaming.  I would very distinctly imagine my future.  On the first day my best friend and I hung out we wrote down and planned out our future and I’d say quite a lot of it came true or what we had thought about and wanted when we were younger came true although of course as we grew older we always wanted more and more. I also wrote a lot so besides day dreaming I would write about my life and what I wanted and believed would happen.  I would sometimes write in a future tense and act as if I was already a famous journalist or hot shot what have you.

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Then there came a time when I wasn’t so positive.  I was so immersed in sadness and negative thinking that I often couldn’t breathe.  I’d throw up randomly (not knowing why (at the time)), I was not able to sleep well, I would wander the streets, I was pretty much constantly crying – at work, on the bus, on the skytrain, waiting for the bus, walking, in my room, in the bathroom, when watching a movie (you get the point) or hyperventilating to the point where I thought I needed to call 911.  I remember an episode where I was in my room and suddenly couldn’t breathe and thus far I had tried hiding it from my family but they found out this time and suddenly EVERYONE in my family was in front of me (including my dad, omgah poor guy), freaked out and scared and trying to help me.  It was a surreal moment and my sister told me that my lips or tongue started turning purple.  The power of positive thinking helped me.

After watching The Secret and meeting people in my life who were positive and really changing their mindset consciously I too changed my mindset.  I believe that if you clearly visualize yourself in the image that you want to be (a successful lawyer for example) and you FEEL that image, you feel the happiness, the power etc you will gravitate towards that and the powers of the universe will conspire to get you where you want to be.  It’s a very, very conscious effort.  It’s not easy to do this and you’ll find yourself slipping and thinking “one day” or thinking negatively.  You can’t imagine that you will be something “one day” you have to feel it NOW or you will forever be that person “one day”.   Create a vision board where you showcase things in a present tense.  “Your car” should not be the car you have now but the car you want and the more you look at that board and believe that that life is yours, the better for you.   I stopped dwelling on anything negative, I used to get so upset at little things.  I used to call up a friend and vent and moan about things and now I literally don’t tell anyone anything.  I may feel bad about something, write it on a piece of paper and rip it up and then I never think about that again.  I only allow myself to be upset for a few minutes and then I’m like ok .. time to move on.  It’s ok to rant and vent every so often as long as it’s not something you’re doing all the time and it’s not affecting your mental health.

It’s not easy being positive and lately I’ve been feeling that the future I once saw so clearly in my head has slipped and it’s getting more and more difficult to imagine that I will actually do what I said I would - so this post is about me trying to get back to the power of positive thinking and saying that I will once again make time for ME, for being positive, thinking happy thoughts, writing powerful quotes and speeches to myself to motivate me and working on my future as if it’s a reality.  I hope you will do the same and please do share with me if you try to think positive – what you do to stay positive – if you’ve slipped on this.  I READ ALLLLL OF YOUR COMMENTS via twitter/facebook and on this blog itself!!!!!!!!!!!  Sometimes your comments are just awesomeness so I just post it and don’t reply because there’s nothing to say cuz you’re right!!  But I do read them all!

I think I’ll write another post later on how to actually feel better and be more positive.  So watch out for that :D

**Side note** You can’t just sit there and think that thinking positive alone will change your life, it is meant to be a catalyst for positive ACTION. 

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Now get out there and KICK SOME BUTT PEOPLES!! :D :D

Like Father Like Daughter

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Everyone wants to be a winner, but what most people don’t seem to realize is that first you need to be a survivor.  Do you have what it takes to survive?  Can you claw your way back up when you’ve been pushed down farther than you ever thought you could?  Do you have the endurance, the stamina, the wits, the passion for your craft?

I know this much about myself: I may not be the smartest, the prettiest, the funniest, or the sexiest girl, but I am a survivor, I have ambition and I have guts.  I believe that those three things are all that I need.  I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I’m going somewhere.  I think largely the reason why I have this spirit is because of how I was raised.  I was the third child, and I was a girl (third daughter).  I think everyone wanted me to be a boy and as I grew up I wanted to be my father’s son and really admired my father very much and I still do.

He moved his whole family to Canada without even ever seeing this country.  We just packed up our stuff in Singapore and came here.  He didn’t need to come here to check it out first because he knew that no matter where he went, he would be ok and he would be able to provide for his family.  As my father said (in punjabi) that he had his hands and his legs, what more does a man need to survive?  That stuck with me.  Sometimes people look down on immigrants, or they look down on people who don’t have flashy jobs.  My father could have been a businessman, a taxi driver or janitor… I really wouldn’t care because whichever job it is, he’s worked honestly to provide for his family and no matter what has knocked him down or came his way he persevered.  That’s what counts.  Some girls I know are looking for the guy who has it all… I’m looking for the guy who would be ok if he lost it all, who has a fighter’s spirit, who doesn’t need to depend on anyone but himself, someone who is a honest, hard working man.

My father had the guts and the belief in himself to leave his relatives, his friends, leave the country that he was born and raised in to come to a country on the other side of the world so that we could have a better life.

He taught me how to be strong, he has a black belt in Karate and used to train me when I was younger.  We would go to the park by our house and run and I used to have to do push ups if I didn’t speak Punjabi or got my times tables wrong.  He read me stories about the Gurus, about Sri Guru Nanak Dev Ji’s travels and teachings and those really stuck with me and it’s why I’m close to my faith.  He taught me not to take shit from anyone, how to fight back.  He also taught me how to have fun, he has a great love for dancing and when he gets on the dance floor he is the center of the party!  He never once made me feel that I was a lesser human being because I was a girl.  He never once has forced me to do anything at all and he never would.  He has said that he would happily continue to support his daughters if we so chose to live at home forever.  He’s allowed me to do the many things that I do.  

Guts, ambition, survival skills.

That’s the kind of father that I have, now would you expect his daughter to be anything less?

This is Why

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou

People will never forget how you made them feel.  This is what I want to do in life… I want to make people feel.  I want to be able to make as many people feel as I can.  If I can make someone feel something, then I have distracted them in that one moment from whatever is going on in their life and that one moment of their life is a gift to me… it would be mine and weaved into my tapestry, into my story and would connect me with them. 

I want to take your breath away, I want to make you laugh, I want to make you cry, I want to remind you of someone important in your life.  I want that one moment from you.

This is why I want to be an actor (and this is why since I’m not an actor right now – I write!). 

I’m jealous of Oprah!  Not because of the money (although I wouldn’t say no to a billion dollars…actually maybe I would… too much friggin money)… but because her job allowed her to make other people feel, every single day (and this is why I love Shah Rukh Khan…although mine and his story/love affair is a long story).  I’m jealous of Oprah because everyday when she was standing on her show she knew that that was exactly where she was supposed to be.  Not a lot of people can say that.  That’s a blessing. 

Have you ever watched the musical Burlesque?  In it, Christina Aguilera's character leaves her small town when she realizes that there is literally no one else in that town who’s life she would want.  There was no one there who inspired her enough to make her want to stay.  This is kind of how I feel about Vancouver.  There is NO ONE here whose life I would want, there is no one here, no career position that has inspired me enough to want to stay here and there is no position or job that I could create even to fulfill what I want.  I know what I want, and it’s just not here.  The only thing keeping me in Vancouver right now is my family – I can’t even say my friends because I know I would meet my friends if I moved anywhere else in the world but I can’t just pick up and relocate my family.

I’ve lived in Vancouver for over 15 years now and there came a point where I was overseas and was boarding my flight to come home to YVR and I was just like… what is the point?  What do I have there?  That moment was terrifying to me – that I could have lived somewhere for over a decade and feel that besides my family I have nothing really physically keeping me there.  It was… terrifying, sad, humbling.  It was kind of my “Eat pray love” moment except I couldn’t sell off all my things like her and travel the world with a book deal waiting for me because I have a FAMILY and I have RESPONSIBILITIES… but how I wish I could have!!

Living an uninspired life is a fate worse than death.  I hope I get to fulfill my dreams and I hope you do too!!!  Goodnight everyone.

Loss/Family/Time… NEED MORE TIME!

There is no flow to this blog post whatsoever.  You’ve been warned. And this is pretty personal.  To those of you who get this blog emailed to you - - - you might not want to read it.  It’s not funny, it’s not anything other than me needing to write and expel my thoughts.
I have witnessed parents say good bye to their children (which I think is one of the most tragic and unnatural things in life) and children say good bye to their parents forever. I have been to many funerals, seen hearts break, seen dreams shattered, seen many lives stopped before they should have been and have felt the pain of loss.  Those images never leave you, they are imprinted in me forever.
Death is a natural part of life, but it’s not something you can ever prepare for, or get over.  I’m terrified to lose people.  Like when they’re gone… they’re gone.  You can’t call them, you can’t see them, you can’t… hear them, laugh with them nothing.  They’re just wiped off the face of this Earth and we’re left with nothing.  Pictures, videos, it’s all nothing.. just memories and I’ve said this before: It is in the complexities, powers and failures of a human’s memory that I sense an omniscient all knowing God.  Our failed and flawed memory is a blessing, for if I could remember every moment, I would live each day reliving them.  Meaning…  If our memories were perfect… I think I’d go mental because I would literally just relive each moment that I’ve ever had.
I want to cherish the time that I have with family.  I mess up… we all mess up.  Like when I buy McDonald’s and come home and realize my mom’s cooked chicken curry… like hello… what am I thinking?  I’m buying some crap food rather than eating my MOM’S cooking?  Seriously am I retarded?  Or when I sit with a few friends shooting the shit at a restaurant and I’ve been out of the house from.. well firstly I came home at 230am the night before from a friend’s party left at 7am for work then came back at 1230am the next day after a dinner but anyway – shootin the shit at a restaurant with people who I probably won’t care about in 10 years or less and meanwhile my mom’s at home waiting for me to come back because she dressed up in a Halloween costume for the first time in her life and she wanted to show me cuz she was excited.  Like seriously am I retarded?  Do you guys ever mess up like this?  Do you guys think about it?  I think about things all the time. 
Opportunity cost is my biggest problem.  I can’t figure it out.  At some point you have to branch out and do your own thang and cut the umbilical cord and let loose maybe move countries and then… on the other hand I want to spend time with people that I care about because you don’t get to spend time with them forever.  I pray every day for the safety of my friends and family… I can’t lose anyone I really can’t.  I care and love everyone in my life so so much.
Everything is all connected for me… death, guilt, loss.  I think everyone is going to die so fast…if not from a disease or illness than a natural disaster or a freak murder/shooting or a car crash or a plane crash or whatever there are like fifty million ways you can die early that it makes the “died peacefully while sleeping in bed” option seem far fetched and dismally grim.  I feel like life is just rushing by, I’m being swept by the current and all I want to do is find a branch to hold on to to try and stop myself from moving forward.  I can’t add anyone in my life because that’s just one person too many that I’d worry about.  You don’t understand… the amount that I love the people who I love – it’s an insane amount.  It’s insane.  I truly and madly and with all my heart love people. 
Kirpa is a word that really resonates with me.  We are all here by God’s grace and blessing and if you aren’t thanking God for being here every single day of your life – you should sort out your priorities. 
Its true what they say – youth is wasted on the young.  I feel like so many young people… have everything going for them right in front of them and they waste it on… stupid shit.  They waste time on stupid ass shit… and before they know it this will all be gone and I feel like they don’t cherish the moment.  But maybe that’s just what youth is – the innocence of thinking that you have your whole life in front of you, that nothing is going to go wrong, that bad things happen to other people, that you’re invincible.
I just want my family to be settled and happy.  As much as I joke about how I never want to be in a relationship… I do want to grow old with someone, I DO BELIEVE IN MONAGAMY, I do want children very badly I want my children (God willing if I have any) to know my parents because I KNOW they would make AWESOME grandparents and I loved my grandparents and would want my parents to be grandparents too.
I just want everyone to live a very long, healthy and happy life.  Is that so much to ask God?  As for myself – I don’t fear death personally (in fact if I ever left while fighting for injustice know that I left happy)… I just fear things happening to other people or the effect that my leaving would have.  I give myself great importance in the role I play in my family lol I feel like everything would fall apart if not for me because in my house I’m kind of the jokester, the catalyst for things, I push people, I push the status quo, I entertain and most especially I try and look out for my younger brother,my sisters, my parents because I feel like I’m the most street smart.  I feel like as long as I’m around I can take care of them through any kind of scenario.
I just think about things way too much like… I think it’s the news.. the news depresses me thinking about all the problems in the world and I’m always on the internet and looking at pictures from earthquakes, tsunami’s, bomb blasts whatever’s going on… and it’s just so insane like we live in the most messed up world where people care more about Birkin’s than 2 year olds dying in the street.  :(

Summer’s Over

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Summer always makes me sad.  I think it’s sad because I love that this season is associated with sun, the beach, good times, bbq’s, drinks, hanging out with friends and I love all of those things SO much - - but then at the same time I know that it’s not going to last and it’s going to be way too short so it can be a little bit bittersweet.  More sweet than bitter though :).
I had an INSANELY amazingly great summer!  I lost a few things (one of them being my ipod – but I try not to own anything I can’t afford to lose so luckily I got a newer, nicer red touch nano), I met the most amazing, fun loving people from all over the world and I cannot wait to go visit them, and I got to experience some things that I’ve always wanted to!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like I’ve gained so much and grown so much as a person!  Cheers to summer, good times, good friends, life experiences and remember: any time above ground is a good day!

On Blast/Creepers

I’M WARNING YOU IN ADVANCE THIS IS A REALLY WEIRD BLOG POST.  I’m a very hypocritical / oxymoron type of person.
So.  Facebook/Twitter/Being part of a minority community where everyone kinda knows one another and if they don’t they’ve seen your picture off someone else’s fb profile – it seems like everyone is a creeper these days.  I am sure quite a few of you will relate to what I’m about to say below!

Lately it seems like every time I go out someone either texts me a “hey what are you doing on 92” or messages me on Facebook after (EVEN WHEN I’M ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY - (Toronto!) haha but I guess that’s understandable) or comes up to me 2 days later with how some random people at a random place who knows that that person they are talking to knows me mentions that they saw me somewhere to them.  What I really hate is the “hey were you at Walmart the other day?”.  Um… yes.. probably?  “Oh that’s so funny I swear I ALWAYS see you at Walmart!”… 

It makes me want to throw my phone at a wall and walk around with a scarf on my face. Like WHAT?  WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  WHO ARE YOU?!  WHAT DAY DID YOU SEE ME?  N then I sit there and try and flashback like what was I wearing?, who was I with? Was I doing something stupid… of course I was doing something stupid I’m ALWAYS doing something stupid (dancing, playing with a toy, making funny faces etc) and I get into this intense dialogue with myself about how I should behave more normal in public.
Heheahah actually… I DO WALK AROUND WITH A SCARF TO MY FACE.  Not because I think I’m nuts, but just because I feel cozy and I like the smell and feel of my scarves.  I ALWAYS wear scarves.  They’re like a teddy bear or blankets.  I just find myself randomly doing that and then I realize 2 min later and I’m like “oops”.  Plus I feel cleaner like I’m not actually breathing in pukey public transit smells (I’m on public transit a lot) and I feel like I’m getting less UV rays.
I don’t understand why people feel the need to message me asking me if I was at X or Y location.  If you SAW me there, then why wouldn’t you just say hello in person?  If you don’t KNOW if you saw me there because you don’t really know what I look like in real life then should you really be messaging me in the first place?  I’m a friendly person, please, if you see me, just come say hi, don’t message me on Facebook or Twitter after.  It makes me feel weird to know that someone watched me when I didn’t know they were – I would really just rather not know.
I add everyone who sends a friend request as there was this one time where I had to accept all friend requests for a Much Music thing I was trying out for a long time ago:

and ever since then there was no going back and finding alll the people and deleting them - its insane so I’ve just put everyone on a list and accept everyone espesh because I don’t have a lot of personal things on there anyway.  If I hadn’t wanted to be a broadcaster or whatever then I would have just kept my fb to family and friends.  But then I see a lot of people who have like 1000+ friends and I’m sure they go through the same thing I go through but I’m just like I actually wanted to be in the public eye – why in the world do you want to be on blast if your career choice is like – teaching?  Lol.
It’s great when it comes to helping increase stats for my blog and to be able to connect and have a bigger platform to communicate but it sucks when you get weird messages.  Like it’s SO CREEPY to know that someone out there saw me somewhere and I don’t know what they look like!  I don’t look at people’s profiles on Facebook if I don’t know them.  You can add me but I’m not going to sit and check out your profile page because I’m usually on Facebook on my phone!  So… when people start commenting incessantly or eventually catch my eye and make me go: “Who IS this Pinky Gill person anyway” I click on their page and lo and behold do you know what inevitably happens?
I find out that that person who controls that page doesn't do ANYTHING other than comment or like MY stuff.  Their newsfeed is just filled with what they did on my page :| with one or two comments to other people on there and they usually have under 50 friends.  IT’S STUFF LIKE THIS THAT FREAKS ME OUT AND MAKES ME WRITE BLOG POSTS ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
It really freaks me out and I just don’t understand.  Are they fake profiles?  If so why would anyone need to make a fake profile to be a friend of mine on Facebook when I accept everyone anyway?  It’s not like their comments are mean or hateful that they need to hide behind a fake?
Also, some of these people are actual real people I’ve met – at a lounge, or at a dinner.  Once I met someone from a different country for five minutes at a crowded public place and all I gave was my first name (no spelling) and they FOUND ME ON FACEBOOK.  I just want the world to go back to what it was like before where you can meet a random person and have an awesome five min conversation and go “well hey it was nice meeting you” and not actually expect to ever see or hear from that person again. 
Trust me, if I WANTED YOU TO CONTINUE KNOWING ME I WOULD MAKE IT HAPPEN.  I AM A MAKE IT HAPPENER.  I would tell you to add me on Facebook, or I would get your number, or I would give you mine, or we would add each other on BBM.  I’ve been called F1, because I can speed meet a ton of people and network.  Exception to the rule: when I am completely enamoured by you.  Then I am way.  too.  shy.  I revert to the “omg I’m a little Singaporean immigrant chick with big ears” person inside me a
If I am enamoured by you I want you to do the chasing and won’t give you anything to go on because if you were really interested, I’m sure you can put in the effort to find me and I’m probably too shy to do anything about it myself anyway :$
Of course attention is flattering, yes I understand that I put myself in these positions I have Twitter, I have Facebook, I have a blog, I choose to come on tv, but you just think that in your head people will be cool.  The “creepers” that I keep talking about, they’re not crazy dps… they’re “normal” people with lives and friends that just have a creeper streak in them… like me.  I have creeped more people through FB than any of you probably but the DIFFERENCE IS – I DON’T FREAKING MESSAGE THEM LIKE HEY I SAW YOU HERE AND THERE.  I CREEP ALONE.  IN PRIVATE.  SECRETLY.  That is how true creepers should creep.  Learn from me people.
Adios.

Lingering fear

Ok so this is a random short post because I’m going to crash soon and have to wake up at 5am but…one of my lingering, nagging fears (so not a fear that’s constantly there but a mellower more brooding fear) that pops up every so often is the fear that my close friends will eventually turn on me for reasons unbeknownst to me.  Maybe I’m just paranoid.  You see it happen on 90210 or Gossip Girl all the time, where someone out there is out to get you and all of a sudden your boyfriend, your friends, even your parents turn against you and you have no way of telling everyone what the truth is; or you tell them and they just don’t believe you.  Ah there you go that’s my fear: telling someone the truth and them not believing you.

I just think it’s horrible… – I don’t mean telling someone that you can just write off like ok whatever they don’t believe you - their loss, I mean someone who you deeply and truly care about like your parents or your really close friends. I mean in this day and age where you have sites like “The Dirty” where people can say anything and everything they want about you without repercussions it just seems like it’s something that could happen easily.

Anyone out there can say anything about you, and it’s true that your worst enemies are the ones you don’t even know about.  Some random guy or girl might say some random thing about you and there’s nothing that you can do to stop them.  If you’re someone that is actually friendly and outgoing, chances are people are going to believe the random guy and believe effed up rumours about you (well to you they’re effed up but they might be something small and believable).  It’s just so WEIRD and not fair.  There’s nothing you can do to protect yourself and you just have to hope and believe that people you love and that “know” you will know what kind of person you are.  It’s not just about rumours, but say you’re being possessed by the Devil or something and you tell someone and instead of believing you they think you’re mental?!  I used to tell my guy friend all the time to remember to take me seriously if I ever say I’m being possessed.  Like legit conversation. 

Anyways I guess in short one thing that I want to tell people is that looks can be deceiving.  Things aren’t always what they seem.

If I Ever Became A Mother…

sharinsmom momsharin
I could not be like my mother.  Why?  I’m not that good/kind/nice.  I would not be selfless.  I don’t know anyone my age who would be selfless if they were to become mothers… we as a generation have become too selfish, too demanding.  My mother is someone I can’t even talk about on this blog because there is just too much emotion there.  *DISCLAIMER; The following is not a true story of ANYONE I know… just a scenario to explain why being a woman is freaking difficult so I may have borrowed or embellished things*
I just don’t understand the concept of being a mother.  Just imagine.  Not too long ago you’re a little girl walking around licking an ice cream cone and playing hop scotch (hopefully not at the same time).  You grow up, go out with your friends/family/sisters, learn how to cook… fall in love or somehow get married and then bam.  Your whole life is over.  It’s over for YOU… and now your whole life is put on the back burner/back seat/second fiddle to your children. 
Your children grow up thinking that their life is more important, that you should put everything on hold for them, and you do!  You wake up every morning, make tea for your husband, get his food and clothes ready, see your kids off to school, clean up the house, cook food for the family, pick your kids up from school, do the laundry, do the dishes, go to work maybe part time, come back, cook again and maybe just maybe get a spare hour for yourself to read a book or watch a tv program if you’re lucky and your daughter isn’t watching her PVR’d Gossip Girl episodes.
On top of the demands of a husband and the stresses of having a job and looking after a house financially and figuratively, you have to worry about your daughter wanting to go clubbing and being out with her friends at late hours of the night and how she is constantly busy doing one unusual or dangerous activity after another, then there’s your son wanting to join a fight club/MMVA type of club, your other two daughters are essentially good but you have three total and not one of them is married.  Then there’s the pain of losing your parents.  I mean, how do you handle the stress?  How do you find happiness?  When is it YOUR TURN to live????
It just seems like being a woman is so difficult.  Being a mother is so difficult.  I would love to be a mother one day let me just throw that out there, I think my life would be very odd if I never had children one day but I just think that it is an insanely difficult task.  One day you belong to your father and you have to listen to everything he says, then you belong to your husband and his family, then you bring up your children and then maybe your daughter in law and son don’t look after you (in an Asian type household) and you grow old and your daughters leave you to get married and live their own lives.  It just seems so sad.  When do you get to live for yourself?  When does a woman get to live for herself? 
I don’t want that to be my life.  I don’t want to belong to anyone or put my life on hold for anyone, ever.  That is a quality that I think good mothers have though…they are selfless and want the best for their children.  They put their children first.  They put their children’s happiness before their own. 
That is why I say, I can never be like my mother…


When You Go Away

It feels like you’re still here… or rather still there and I am here.  It feels like I can still reach you, like you’re still going about your day, still thinking your thoughts, still waking up every morning.  I’m so sorry for every lost moment.  I keep thinking back to the last time I hugged you, the last night we were together.  I didn’t sleep all night.  I knew it then, I knew in my heart that it was going to be the last time.  I didn’t want to let you go, I didn’t want to walk out that door.  I kept looking back.  I kept looking back.  I see you waving at me, and I can’t believe that I pretended that everything was ok.  Acting normal, not breaking down and you saying that you’ll see me soon and not to cry.  Did you know?  I remember your hug, your skin, your hair, your voice.  I knew it then.  I knew it then.
You were the most beautiful person I have ever met.  I know there is a God because God was in you.
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your
laughter rises was oftentime filled with your tears...
When you are joyous, look deep into
your heart and you shall find it is only
that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in
your heart, and you shall see that in truth
you are weeping for that which has been
your delight.

~ Kahlil Gibran
It’s hard when you know someone is leaving you forever and there is nothing you can do.  You want so badly to stop time and you tell yourself in your head: Sharin you must remember every aspect of this moment, for it will never come again.  You try like a silly human to use your fancy contraptions that are supposed to help you freeze a moment or feel close to a person.  A photograph.  A video.  A phone call.  Funny thing, the human mind.  It can remember every line of your favourite move, every word of your favourite song.  It can remember a dance you performed when you were five years old, or a trillion passwords and account numbers…but it can’t bring back every aspect of a past moment.  It is in the complexities, powers and failures of a human’s memory that I sense an omniscient all knowing God.  Our failed and flawed memory is a blessing, for if I could remember every moment, I would live each day reliving them.
You only live once.  No matter what you believe in, this is the only thing we know, that we only have one chance to live this life.  Do with it what you will…you choose to be fully present… argue incessantly with people you love, make passionate love, backpack through Europe or Asia, sit on a computer and find people with mutual interests on a social networking site, or sit and read this blog for hours, but whatever you do…be fully present for the moment will never come again.  All I know is, there are two times in my life when I seriously thought…what if I had died because of this… perhaps by not shoulder checking or having a car make a left turn at an intersection and then suddenly stop, not looking when I crossed the street…whatever the moment may have been.. I thought, what if this was it?  The end.  The first thought that came to my mind on both times?  I argued with my mother today.  My second thought was ew omg I can’t believe I was wearing mismatched underwear :P lol jk haha…  I know, I know, I just ruined the entire feeling and emotion of this blog with that last comment hahaha.  Go call a human being you’ve been staring at a computer screen for far too long.

My Grandmother

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I really love her so much, and I respect and admire her.  She has quiet strength, and she is undoubtedly the purest, kindest, most good hearted person I know.  She’s simple, she’s pure, she’s patient, loving, caring, and so wise.  Oh and she’s SO CUTE!
As a child and just as a person in general, I’ve always liked and enjoyed hanging out with males (my cousin bro’s in law or my male cousins, nephews, friends), although it’s always my female crew that I have deep conversations with.  It was the same with my Grandfather… he had such a huge personality.. huge (!!) and for me growing up he always overshadowed my love for my grandma (I call her Manji, she is my mother’s mom) and I always enjoyed his attention more.  It’s one of those situations where kids jump for joy when their Dad comes home or enjoys their days out with their fathers because… their mom is always there.  That’s how it was with my Grandmother.. I know she’s always there and so for me growing up she was kind of the second one in their relationship.. she was the one I would go to if I got hurt or sick, but it was my Grandfather that I would sit beside to listen to his stories and hear his voice.
When my Grandfather passed away (wait – side note – my dad’s parents: I never met my grandfather and my grandmother passed away when I was five years old and I loved her v. much as well), I regretted not calling him enough, not spending time with him enough, and till this day I’m not over his death and wish that I could have properly said goodbye to him.  Now that he’s gone, my Grandmother is the only grandparent I have left in this world.  I’ve gotten to know HER more, and paid more attention to her.  I’m not saying I ignored her before or that I didn’t love her before…nothing like that at all… I just loved her like any kid loves her mom.. in the taken for granted kind of way.
I’ve never sent her flowers (but I will change that this coming year!!!!!), I only recently bought her the first present I’ve ever bought her (a shawl!) (to be fair I was a kid most of the time and since 2000 I’ve only seen her…this year – 2009 because I went to Singapore twice this year!).
She was born in India but moved to Singapore (which was known as Malaysia at the time – it was before it’s independence) when she was around 2-3 years old.  She married my Grandfather and had 6 kids; two boys and four girls (one of my aunts is missing in the picture below).  She now has 11 grandchildren and I am her fourth oldest grandchild.
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Bapuji (my grandfather) was a pretty strict, tough guy when he was younger although by the time I rolled along he was chilled out and jolly for the most part but I could still see and hear the fierceness.  He had that quality about him.  Manji was a sharp contrast.  I heard she could be fairly strict herself, but to me she was always the water to his fire..essential, yet not loud and crackling.  Manji taught her children (well my mom – the oldest child for sure) how to speak English (they spoke Punjabi when they were little and did go to English speaking schools when they were older).  The best part is?  My grandma didn’t even know English!!!  My mom used to think that my grandma knew English but didn’t realize that actually my grandmother would get her English speaking neighbour to teach her the words in an English book and then my grandma would memorize it and teach it to her kids.  My mom guys never knew that Grandma actually didn’t know how to read it herself.  In the end that is how my Grandmother learnt an entire language, through memorization and being able to pick it up fast.  That’s pretty cool.
Manji I don’t think has ever used makeup, maybe on her wedding day but there are no photos of the event, she’s never used a hair product before (her black hair at age 70 something is all natural!) and so I always feel super weird when I’m all glossed out and flat ironed in front of her especially because for most of my life that she saw I was makeup less with a curly mop of hair, or with it in a braid.  She prefers to keep things simple and that’s why she is so inspiring to me.  She loves God, she loves her family, she doesn’t gossip or trouble anyone… she’s just amazing. 
When I went back to Singapore she told me that I have to wake up early and make my bed and not talk back to my parents lol :) I wish she stayed here in Canada and then I could get told what to do from her all the time!  As it is I’m totally jealous of my newest cousin because he gets to live with her!  So not fair, I want Manji to sing me songs (He’s 6months old)!.
Alright that’s all for now… if you take anything away from this.. talk to your loved ones, get to know your elders, and spend time with them!  My only grandparent lives across the world from me and I don’t get to see her very often.  Listen to them, listen to their stories, write them down if you get a chance!  There’s a reason why they tell you what they do, they’ve been through a lot and you should appreciate what you have.
******* ADDED NOVEMBER 26TH 2010******
Hey everyone who is reading this.  On November 18th 2009 I found out my grandmother had lung cancer.  She has never smoked a cigarette (duh if you read the blog you should know this but just had to mention it) or anything like that, these things just happen I guess.  She is still bravely battling it and all we can ask for at this point is to pray for her to not feel any pain and to be with family in her times of need.  I would love to be with her more than anything at this time and hope I can make it out there...  Thank you for all who read this, it makes me feel nice.  I’m sorry for my crap writing in the blog I’m sure there are tons of grammatical errors…I just felt like I needed to confess that in case people think I’m some awesome person, I’m not (just in case you thought that… now you’re sitting there thinking psh why does this girl think anyone would think that?!).  I could have shown my love for her more and I haven’t so yeah I’m not like some amazing grandaughter.

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