Friday, 5 February 2016

Feelings

I often get asked, why I don't write as much. I do write. I get asked this question from people who I've known for a long time, people that have seen me grow up and have followed me and supported me on my journey. First, to you I say thank you. You know who you are!

But yes, I do write still! I write in journals, I write in my Notes on my phone, I write long emails or long letters or I just write in my head (if that's a thing....).  I'm a huge fan of letters, but I'm a little bit cautious of them because I don't want to jinx myself so I tend to write in my journal now as if I'm writing to that person; and then I just keep it to myself.

I've learnt that not everything can be communicated or needs to be communicated/said. You may need to express yourself, but not necessarily to the person who caused you to feel this way. It's your journey, not theirs. This can be both when a person makes you feel good and when a person makes you feel bad.

Say a person makes you feel good. What about that feeling is about them, and what about that feeling is about you? In my opinion it's largely about you and how you need that feeling, validation, or that emotion, or that love, or that kindness, or that understanding at that time. You are the one who is in that prime spot of needing or wanting or enjoying that emotion and that's why you feel good. So, say you like someone, and they compliment you. You will react positively and feel great and think YES. Say you don't like someone and they compliment you, you'll likely be a little irritated and wish that person would just leave you alone or not engage with you because you don't like them. Other people cannot make you feel good. You have to allow or want or need that feeling and you are the one who chooses the people that can make you feel good.

Your reaction to things is 100% your responsibility. So... if you are happy because someone made you feel happy - it's because you were ready and willing to accept it. My point is - the sole responsibility of your happiness does not derive from someone else. It truly lies with you. You are actually the only person that can make you happy. This isn't a unique thought, many people say this all the time "You're in control of your happiness" etc etc. My point though is the opposite (negative statement) - that someone else is not in control of your happiness. That someone else is not in control of your sadness or the bringer of happiness/sadness into your life. You aren't lovable because you are loved, you are loved because you are lovable and open to being loved. The difference between the "you're in control of your happiness" and "someone else is not in control of your happiness" is that the former sounds very optimistic and idealistic and the latter is the blatant truth. Mr. Whoever or New Job, or New Car is not the reason why you're happy. YOU are the reason why you're happy. Likewise, Mr Whoever, or Job or Money is not the reason why you're sad. YOU are the reason why you're sad. Telling someone they're in control of their happiness is not the same thing as telling someone that the factors in their life is not the reason why they feel happy or sad. It's a subtle but important shift of focus.

So, when you are in a relationship - stop thrusting all your happy emotions on them or they'll feel terribly burdened with the responsibility of keeping you happy. Stop expressing every single emotion that you feel to that person because it's YOUR emotion. You may need to express emotions but it doesn't have to be TO that person. They are adding to your happiness, but it's your responsibility to be happy.

That's what I've learnt so far in life, that there are many blessings to look out for and many people that add to your joy and happiness. Ultimately it is up to you to open up to this and to own it. Don't put the burden of keeping you happy on someone else because that's a false way to live. Just be happy, on your own, and share your happiness and accept the additions to that happiness from others.

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