There is no flow to this blog post whatsoever. You’ve been warned. And this is pretty personal. To those of you who get this blog emailed to you - - - you might not want to read it. It’s not funny, it’s not anything other than me needing to write and expel my thoughts.
I have witnessed parents say good bye to their children (which I think is one of the most tragic and unnatural things in life) and children say good bye to their parents forever. I have been to many funerals, seen hearts break, seen dreams shattered, seen many lives stopped before they should have been and have felt the pain of loss. Those images never leave you, they are imprinted in me forever.
Death is a natural part of life, but it’s not something you can ever prepare for, or get over. I’m terrified to lose people. Like when they’re gone… they’re gone. You can’t call them, you can’t see them, you can’t… hear them, laugh with them nothing. They’re just wiped off the face of this Earth and we’re left with nothing. Pictures, videos, it’s all nothing.. just memories and I’ve said this before: It is in the complexities, powers and failures of a human’s memory that I sense an omniscient all knowing God. Our failed and flawed memory is a
blessing, for if I could remember every moment, I would live each day reliving them. Meaning… If our memories were perfect… I think I’d go mental because I would literally just relive each moment that I’ve ever had.
I want to cherish the time that I have with family. I mess up… we all mess up. Like when I buy McDonald’s and come home and realize my mom’s cooked chicken curry… like hello… what am I thinking? I’m buying some crap food rather than eating my MOM’S cooking? Seriously am I retarded? Or when I sit with a few friends shooting the shit at a restaurant and I’ve been out of the house from.. well firstly I came home at 230am the night before from a friend’s party left at 7am for work then came back at 1230am the next day after a dinner but anyway – shootin the shit at a restaurant with people who I probably won’t care about in 10 years or less and meanwhile my mom’s at home waiting for me to come back because she dressed up in a Halloween costume for the first time in her life and she wanted to show me cuz she was excited. Like seriously am I retarded? Do you guys ever mess up like this? Do you guys think about it? I think about things all the time.
Opportunity cost is my biggest problem. I can’t figure it out. At some point you have to branch out and do your own thang and cut the umbilical cord and let loose maybe move countries and then… on the other hand I want to spend time with people that I care about because you don’t get to spend time with them forever. I pray every day for the safety of my friends and family… I can’t lose anyone I really can’t. I care and love everyone in my life so so much.
Everything is all connected for me… death, guilt, loss. I think everyone is going to die so fast…if not from a disease or illness than a natural disaster or a freak murder/shooting or a car crash or a plane crash or whatever there are like fifty million ways you can die early that it makes the “died peacefully while sleeping in bed” option seem far fetched and dismally grim. I feel like life is just rushing by, I’m being swept by the current and all I want to do is find a branch to hold on to to try and stop myself from moving forward. I can’t add anyone in my life because that’s just one person too many that I’d worry about. You don’t understand… the amount that I love the people who I love – it’s an insane amount. It’s insane. I truly and madly and with all my heart love people.
Kirpa is a word that really resonates with me. We are all here by God’s grace and blessing and if you aren’t thanking God for being here every single day of your life – you should sort out your priorities.
Its true what they say – youth is wasted on the young. I feel like so many young people… have everything going for them right in front of them and they waste it on… stupid shit. They waste time on stupid ass shit… and before they know it this will all be gone and I feel like they don’t cherish the moment. But maybe that’s just what youth is – the innocence of thinking that you have your whole life in front of you, that nothing is going to go wrong, that bad things happen to other people, that you’re invincible.
I just want my family to be settled and happy. As much as I joke about how I never want to be in a relationship… I do want to grow old with someone, I DO BELIEVE IN MONAGAMY, I do want children very badly I want my children (God willing if I have any) to know my parents because I KNOW they would make AWESOME grandparents and I loved my grandparents and would want my parents to be grandparents too.
I just want everyone to live a very long, healthy and happy life. Is that so much to ask God? As for myself – I don’t fear death personally (in fact if I ever left while fighting for injustice know that I left happy)… I just fear things happening to other people or the effect that my leaving would have. I give myself great importance in the role I play in my family lol I feel like everything would fall apart if not for me because in my house I’m kind of the jokester, the catalyst for things, I push people, I push the status quo, I entertain and most especially I try and look out for my younger brother,my sisters, my parents because I feel like I’m the most street smart. I feel like as long as I’m around I can take care of them through any kind of scenario.
I just think about things way too much like… I think it’s the news.. the news depresses me thinking about all the problems in the world and I’m always on the internet and looking at pictures from earthquakes, tsunami’s, bomb blasts whatever’s going on… and it’s just so insane like we live in the most messed up world where people care more about Birkin’s than 2 year olds dying in the street. :(
