Empathy


“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross




There are some people where the world revolves around them and their view of situations and scenarios, and who feel that their viewpoint is either the only correct one or definitely the most interesting and unique. Ex. common phrases "I don't get why you feel that way". "I don't understand you". "That is the wrong thing to say (or do), the right way is ___". "I don't know why you act like this, if I were you I would ___".  "I'm the only one I know that feels ___" "I'm the only person that this happens to". "No one else has ever been in this situation before", "I'm the first to point out that..", "I'm the only one that commented on this", "I'm the only person that thought of ___", "etc. These types of people don't usually tend to uplift those around them as they often come across as condescending in nature or self centered.The quality they are lacking, is empathy. If you are around someone that isn't empathetic they will tend to belittle your thoughts and feelings, whether intentionally or just by showing lack of care into your own insight, either because they're just a sh*tty person, or because they are oblivious.
People who I truly love to be around are people who can appreciate and understand not just their own view but others as well. Empathy is part of their intrinsic nature, and they do not doubt that all those around them have a similar nature. They get that you too are moved, feel, have ups and downs, can relate, have a common or shared understanding. Or they simply understand that your reaction or what you're choosing to say encompasses the basic nature of the situation at hand without jumping down your throat at any mis-step or thing unsaid. They understand you, and you can understand them. If you constantly feel like "no one understands you" (something I've definitely felt as a teenager - when you're usually a lot more self centered) that's an indication that you perhaps need to become more empathetic.

Perhaps there is one more trait besides empathy that results in this type of personality. For example I'm sure you've heard of Donald Trump's recent gaffe with the bullet point "I hear you" on his memo when speaking to Parkland survivors.

The other trait seems to revolve around self centeredness, narcissism. It is this "captain obvious" way of thinking or belief where they point out the most obvious with a smugness that - aha! - They were the only ones that think like this, without realizing that is part of the basic understanding of the situation. Again, using Parkland as an example, you have people filled with immense grief over the friends they lost and the families who lost their child, sibling etc. And these same people are still choosing to use their voice to also reflect on gun control policies (being channelled out of grief, out of anger, out of frustration). Those people are not lacking in empathy to the families that lost lives. In fact many of the family members themselves were at the White House to discuss this very matter. So to call someone out and say - you shouldn't be talking about gun control right now you should be thinking of the people that lost their lives (as an example)- THOSE people I find to be self centered and lacking empathy. That's obvious, Captain.

When I encounter someone with low empathy, I'm often shocked by some of their statements because it can seem really cold hearted. What I like to think about though is that perhaps it just seems that way, they may not actually be cold hearted. This person's life view is not as defined or explored as someone who has as in the quote above "known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.". Should they be blamed for never having been in that situation, will they change when they have been in that situation? Or should you by basic understanding and thought "being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes" be able to understand and be empathetic despite having a direct corresponding memory to associate with? 


Beat the blues

How to de-stress...
Winter blues get to the best of us. Life is super stressful, no matter who you are, things don't go the way you planned, you may not even have a plan, or you end up focusing on things that don't really matter at the end of the day and get super anxious. It happens, you wake up one morning feeling low and not the greatest. Luckily I have a great support system, but sometimes you have to be your own support system. I gotchu. Remember you can only control yourself and your reactions in life. 

I've spent a lot of time alone, by myself and focusing on my mental health and well being maybe more so than most individuals. So I thought I'd compile some of my tried and true method for beating the blues: 

1. Focus on people not things - material goods can only get you so far. You don't even have to physically meet a friend for a coffee (maybe you don't have friends in town! Or you're in a new city and haven't really met anyone yet), you can actually just READ about people to get your brain into a happier mindset. Even reading about celebrities on the internet or watching a movie can help!! When you focus on actual human beings (hoo-mans) and not things (ie don't read about gadgets or makeup) you feel happier. The brain works in weird ways!
Anyone else super excited to see Michelle Yeo in the adaptation of Kevin Kwan's book? 

If you are new to a city and want to meet some friends, try downloading the Bumble app and switching to BFF mode. You can swipe right on potential friends, and that in and of itself can help you feel in control and be a stress buster. 

2. Get outside - Go for a walk, even if it's just around the block. It always helps me. 
Me walking across one of my fav bridges in the world - Hammersmith Bridge, obligatory sunset selfie.
One of my absolute fav places to walk to and chill out - Hyde Park with the ducks and swans. One of my happiest spots! It is impossible to be here and feel sad.

3. Phone a friend, or your family - Call someone that you can talk to that won't increase your stress levels. Just a quick hi can really help to take your mind off your current situation and stop you from feeling down.
Facetiming with my brother and nephew always makes me happy!

4. Listen to some cheerful music - I love classical music or oddly the sound of rain always relaxes me, there are some great Youtube videos you can play or download that have nature sounds or relaxation music. I try and avoid music with lyrics when feeling down, as sometimes they can bring you down a path you don't want to go down. 
Most likely listening to Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, or Tchaikovsky Symphony 6. I actually try and avoid listening to music when out in nature but it's nice occasionally. 

5. Breathe deeply - I love lighting candles and really getting into the zen mode. I also love making coffee or tea (avoid too much caffeine as that can increase your anxiety, but 1-2 cups in a day should be ok). The act of making tea for me really relaxes me, and the warmth of the cup and the tea really does calm me. The Brits are right, a good cuppa solves all problems. I hate fruity teas, they're always so unsatisfying! A good chamomile tea, green tea or just straight up tea.. black tea.. real tea! Not orange pekoe.
Tea set from Fortnum & Mason. Candles from IKEA haha

6. Do something for you - a bath, buy some flowers, light a candle. I love baths, flowers, candles, and croissants. You can buy relatively cheap flowers, or you don't have to buy any flowers at all - just get out there and eye up some roses from someone's garden for free haha. I have a really cute garden in a park by my flat/apartment here. 
Flowers from Columbia Road flower market, Croissant from Pret in NYC, Peonies from Sobeys in Otnorot.

7. Avoid Social Media - The only social media apps I have on my phone are Snapchat and Twitter. I find Snapchat a fun app to communicate with family and friends and Twitter helpful for news but no longer have Facebook or Instagram on my mobile as I find them to be mindless and I often spend too much time browsing endlessly. I log onto Instagram or Facebook only when on the computer (typically during a work break). 

8. Surround yourself with positive people - It can be hard but not everyone is worthy of being in your life. You have to evaluate how people make you feel and how you make others feel. When you put out positivity, you bring in positivity. If you are constantly complaining to others, its likely you are in a bit of a toxic cycle. 

I guess I only have 8 tips! I hope these help you the next time you're feeling down. 

Take care, 
Sharin

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