I wrote this Jul 31 2014. Things have changed since then...
I wrote this Jul 31 2014 and never posted it. I should have posted it, this is why I write... to document my life, express my feelings properly and without censoring. I feel bad that I didn't post this so.. here we go. It's so interesting to me to realize that small changes have occurred. I suppose I'll write another blog post soon.
I've always been a self proclaimed "extremist" (see HERE) but even I have grown tired of the roller coaster of emotions that I go through.
I'm tired. I always have my eyes on the people close to me. I'm always like "are they ok, are their feelings hurt, are they tired, are they stressed, did I go too far in pushing them to do something productive, am I hurting their ego, should I be more caring versus tough love, should I be more disconnected and let them figure their own thing out, did I act too upset (even if I feel upset) and do they now know that I'm upset but I don't want them to feel like they upset me because then they'll feel bad and I don't want them to feel bad because I know they mean well or they didn't mean to hurt me"... I'm just always so concerned with having everyone around me be ok and be good, and of course that's just trying it's not always successful but I am very mindful of other people's feelings (of those close to me).
I may not need anything from anyone but it's just that sometimes I get really tired. Like today, I'm tired. I'm stressed, I've tried to do what I do every day and be happy and chill and be positive and not dwell... like I'm REALLY good now at just being like "No Sharin, you have to be happy" and switch off and find happiness somewhere. I CHOOSE to be happy but sometimes you want to be able to just lie on someone's chest and have them stroke your hair while actually UNDERSTANDING you.
I've grown used to being alone. I occupy my time with work, books, TV, magazines, and hanging out with friends as much as I can. And then laughably I actually get random calls from people sometimes who tell me stuff like "you're actually a nice girl, I know people talk shit about you but you're actually nice".. like what??..1. people still talk about me, and 2. they have ill things to say? how confusing! If only they knew I spent the last weekend re-reading Harry Potter 6 and 7 ;).
Whether it's in a funny YouTube video or reading a tabloid magazine to distract me, I've learnt to depend on myself and only myself to be my friend. I watch movies by myself, I have eaten in restaurants alone, I can go somewhere alone after work and sit for a bit, at this point I can't even visualize myself travelling the world with anyone. I would have to go alone. There's always going to be someone who says "oh everybody does that it's not a big deal". It's not. It's not a big deal. I'm just saying a lot of people have that person that they can discuss their shitty or good day with or talk about a coworker or talk about the person in front of them in line or talk about their dreams or talk about their failures or talk about whatever. Even now even though I'm a little down I know I have NO right to be down, I personally know someone who is dealing with so much and in the most painful way and she's so strong about it outwardly that I feel no right to even write this blog post. I never feel like I have the right to b*tch about something. I'm always apologizing to myself, to others about how I feel or what I'm thinking.. or thinking that I don't have the right to feel a certain way. Again, it's tiring, I'm tired.
I do have to say that my mother is my greatest source of comfort and pure love. Although she is usually the person that I argue with the most and I often get the emotional backlash of her frustrations (that are always totally warranted), she is the person who has my back for 99.9% of situations lol (the other 0.1 percent being my desire to be a vagabond drunk hippie flower artist living in Mumbai).
I just feel like I can't leave until I know everyone is going to be ok. I need to know that everyone I care about will be ok.
I've always been a self proclaimed "extremist" (see HERE) but even I have grown tired of the roller coaster of emotions that I go through.
I'm tired. I always have my eyes on the people close to me. I'm always like "are they ok, are their feelings hurt, are they tired, are they stressed, did I go too far in pushing them to do something productive, am I hurting their ego, should I be more caring versus tough love, should I be more disconnected and let them figure their own thing out, did I act too upset (even if I feel upset) and do they now know that I'm upset but I don't want them to feel like they upset me because then they'll feel bad and I don't want them to feel bad because I know they mean well or they didn't mean to hurt me"... I'm just always so concerned with having everyone around me be ok and be good, and of course that's just trying it's not always successful but I am very mindful of other people's feelings (of those close to me).
I may not need anything from anyone but it's just that sometimes I get really tired. Like today, I'm tired. I'm stressed, I've tried to do what I do every day and be happy and chill and be positive and not dwell... like I'm REALLY good now at just being like "No Sharin, you have to be happy" and switch off and find happiness somewhere. I CHOOSE to be happy but sometimes you want to be able to just lie on someone's chest and have them stroke your hair while actually UNDERSTANDING you.
I've grown used to being alone. I occupy my time with work, books, TV, magazines, and hanging out with friends as much as I can. And then laughably I actually get random calls from people sometimes who tell me stuff like "you're actually a nice girl, I know people talk shit about you but you're actually nice".. like what??..1. people still talk about me, and 2. they have ill things to say? how confusing! If only they knew I spent the last weekend re-reading Harry Potter 6 and 7 ;).
Whether it's in a funny YouTube video or reading a tabloid magazine to distract me, I've learnt to depend on myself and only myself to be my friend. I watch movies by myself, I have eaten in restaurants alone, I can go somewhere alone after work and sit for a bit, at this point I can't even visualize myself travelling the world with anyone. I would have to go alone. There's always going to be someone who says "oh everybody does that it's not a big deal". It's not. It's not a big deal. I'm just saying a lot of people have that person that they can discuss their shitty or good day with or talk about a coworker or talk about the person in front of them in line or talk about their dreams or talk about their failures or talk about whatever. Even now even though I'm a little down I know I have NO right to be down, I personally know someone who is dealing with so much and in the most painful way and she's so strong about it outwardly that I feel no right to even write this blog post. I never feel like I have the right to b*tch about something. I'm always apologizing to myself, to others about how I feel or what I'm thinking.. or thinking that I don't have the right to feel a certain way. Again, it's tiring, I'm tired.
I do have to say that my mother is my greatest source of comfort and pure love. Although she is usually the person that I argue with the most and I often get the emotional backlash of her frustrations (that are always totally warranted), she is the person who has my back for 99.9% of situations lol (the other 0.1 percent being my desire to be a vagabond drunk hippie flower artist living in Mumbai).
I just feel like I can't leave until I know everyone is going to be ok. I need to know that everyone I care about will be ok.
