C'est La Vie

Q: "Does it not bother you at all that there are people around the world that are looking at you in a sleazy way, or do you like the popularity?" "Don't you care that there are all these 'dippers' commenting on your pictures, or do you like that stuff?"  "Why don't you put your stuff on private?".

A: "Yeah I do it so people will jack off to me at night."


Ok, in all honesty, why do I do this?  I thought that, I would be "somebody", maybe a girl who was interning somewhere, maybe a girl that was auditioning somewhere, maybe a girl who was working and doing stuff on the side.  I've always been someone who loved meeting people, who loved being expressive (reading, journalism, writing, dancing, performing has always been part of me), I look at writing or Twitter or Instagram as a creative expression, as a diary of sorts, and not to mention a great networking opportunity.  Also, I work in social media, I completely disagree with having PRIVATE accounts for the most part (Facebook and Instagram I can see how you may just want family/friends to view it) but WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE PRIVATE TWITTER ACCOUNTS?  It just baffles me.  So no, I will never private my stuff, I think it's dumb to do that.

Right now, I'm nobody, but I can't fully pull the plug on the public me.  I still have that darned sliver of hope that maybe one day I'll... figure it all out in a manner that won't leave me wanting more.  Not sure if this is humanly possible but it's a hope!

There are people who pursue a public career choice in a private manner, there are people who pursue private careers in a public manner, and then there are people who pursue public careers in a public manner.  I personally do not regret having put myself out there in the past, (or now, if I am) because I've met so many amazing people and have come across some pretty cool situations!

Now please note, I'm not saying that I am a public personality, I'm simply talking about how as an individual you can be a little more public or a little more private.  Everyone is fairly public these days, I can probably find most of you on LinkedIn or Facebook or Twitter, and most people post pictures that are up for public consumption.  Do I think that 1 sleazy guy is probably viewing a girl's picture right now?  Of course he is.  At the end of the day a girl is going to be looked at no matter what by someone in a sleazy manner no matter what.  Does that mean that we're supposed to lock ourselves in a cage and only go out when fully covered?

Do I like the popularity?  Firstly, what popularity?  This is so relative.  I would say that the most "out there" or "popular" I have ever FELT in my life was when I was in bhangra.  This was pre - Much Music tryouts which is what I would consider the start of a more "public" me.  So yes, bhangra was when I felt the most popular.  If I was just into "feeling popular" than I would have just stayed in bhangra, gone out with multiple people, talked to 50 other guys and had a grand old time.  That's not what I did because I don't care about that.  I did not have 2000 Twitter or Instagram followers or 1000 Facebook friends at the time, but I felt like wow people know me, people like me (in a normal way), etc.  So no, I'm not doing this for popularity, but I do appreciate the fact that in this day and age, having some klout online is a good thing.  Ask any producer if he would rather pick someone with 15K followers or 100 followers (of course if you're truly beautiful, it likely will not matter how many followers you have, but for those that are not god gifted, everything else helps :) ).  To gain social influence, you sometimes have to appeal to the masses and do your business needs to keep that up.  It's purely business.  Trust me when I say this, a nice selfie can go a long way haha.

As a woman who cares deeply about objectification, it's always been difficult to want to be in an industry that puts so much emphasis on physical appearance.  The joy of acting or wanting to be in a medium that has given me so much joy has always outweighed my feminist views (so far).  I would love to be able to change things from within, but also I think there's something beautiful in not caring about how people perceive you and owning your sexuality.

I've tried my best to not be sleazy myself, to not be just tits and ass.  I appeared in a music video once that sang about how every guy wants a nice car and a nice girl.  I also appear on top of the car in one scene (wearing a pink and white striped A-line dress mind you not a short and tight number).  I was also pretty young but... I remember thinking that the song was kind of cool.  What was wrong with a guy saying that he wants a nice car and a nice girl, is that not a humble ambition?  Is it not like me saying, I want a nice husband and a nice house?  Do we have to deny EVERYTHING and become completely asexual and unrealistic in order to be an advocate for self respect and woman's issues?

Also, honestly sometimes, you just want to do something because it's fun!  I did a music video where the artist literally says that he pops a boner.. seriously.  This one, might be a little hard to explain, so I might not even go there in this blog post because then I'll have to touch on what I feel about being sexual, open and honest but I still thought it was a classy shoot lol.   I HAVE boobs, I HAVE an ass this is part of me being a woman and I don't feel that I should have to hide this fact from people just so that I don't get judged by men and other woman as being "skanky" or "slutty".  I also did a swimsuit shoot for a men's magazine that shall not be named (only because they changed the answers to my interview to better suit them).  I thought it was classy, my dad did not have a problem with it, my brother was there with me when I shot the whole thing and I had a great time.  It's a swimsuit, and I was posing.  I'm not rolling around in the sand pouring water over myself while licking my lips.  It's a beach shoot, I'm wearing a bikini, and I quite liked the results.  Did I do this to have men look at me in a sexual way?  I would have to say that's not the THE reason why I did it but yes, I wanted to look appealing I definitely didn't want men to be repulsed when looking at the images, but there was a greater purpose other than "wanting to look hot and be popular".. like seriously.. no girl needs to be in a freaking swimsuit in a magazine or in a music video or doing photo shoots to be popular with men.

Maybe I've done some out there things, maybe I've made some choices that people will not understand, maybe I've lost all my chances at being selected as eligible marriage material by an Indian matchmaker but this is me.  Take it or leave it!  I don't do things without a lot of thought (which I think is contrary to what people may think), and I can feel good about every decision I've ever made in my life so at the end of the day isn't that what life should be about?

I hope you got your answer.

My response: Fellas, girls are sick of hearing you talk about the Friend Zone.  The "friendzone" is a scenario the rejected make up to make themselves seem like victims simply for not having their feelings returned.  Get over it.



Now I've touched on this topic before in my "Nice guys" finish last post but that was quite some time ago (3 years?), and I don't think I fully delved into this topic the way I should have.  Most people who read my blog post at that point didn't really get that "nice" with quotation marks in my vocabulary - did not equal a truly genuine and good guy.

Every guy and every girl should be NICE to other people.  That would be basic manners would it not to be pleasant, kind and friendly!?  So why is it that when a guy feels like he's a "Nice" guy and he's not getting the girls that he wants he suddenly blames everything on being friend zoned and girls not appreciating the value of his niceness?  Why do other guys back this absurd theory up?  

Why is it that GIRLS have to hear "He's Just Not That Into You" where we're taught in books, in movies, in popular culture that we're supposed to stop acting like fools and ACCEPT the fact that the man is just simply not into us...

...While Guys are allowed to BLAME women for not "recognizing" the fact that they were so great and kind and wait for it.. nice?  Guys are allowed to just walk around being like "man I treated her so well, I listened to her while she talked about all of her problems and watched all her favourite movies with her and she just friend zoned me, what a b*tch, chicks are f*cked" while girls are told to accept it.  I'm sorry you're right it's MY fault that someone was friendly, showed common courtesy, had good conversations with me about topics and it's my fault that I didn't want to immediately jump his bones or marry him because of this.  


Why are girls supposed to be so thankful that a guy is being nice to her that we're supposed to date/marry/whatever them?  Do we not deserve, does the GUY not deserve to meet someone who has a genuine connection with them?  Whatever happened to LOVE, Chemistry, Compatibility, Attraction, Passion and other such powerful emotions?  I want men to want more for themselves, I want them to find a girl that loves them for who they truly are (flaws and all) and to wait for someone who they genuinely, truly connect with and most of all I want them to stop blaming women for when their feelings are not reciprocated.  It is not a woman's duty to like you just because you were nice and friendly.

I know so many NICE girls, that have bad qualities about them like every other human being, as well as many NICE guys with bad qualities about them.  Just because NICE GIRL+NICE GUY meet and the person fits all the criteria (well educated, nice, smart, kind, good family, can cook, good job) does NOT mean that they should be together!  

Life is a journey as they say, and I don't know about you but I want someone that I can see myself enjoying my time with for the rest of my life, walking, running, exploring and growing with.. not just settling for someone who checks off the "marriageable" or "dateable" qualities in a man.

Sometime’s it’s hard to write what I really think or feel.  I try and keep this blog about my opinions on subjects vs my personal life and what’s going on in my life, but even then it’s hard for me to put something out there knowing that “cool” people might be reading this blog and think I’m crazy lol. Even though it’s a personal blog… writing makes you feel naked and some people come on here just to hate or scoff I think.  I just hope that people visit this blog and read not because they know me and want to know what I think but because there is something that I write that they can relate to. 
That is all I want to do, share and relate with people and hopefully make them feel something or at least make them feel that they are not alone out there.  I just like making people feel and knowing that sometimes I distract people from their lives.  That gives me insane pleasure.  Everyone has hardships, everyone has insecurities and there is always more to people than meets the eye.
Everyone hates at some point but something that I do is I try and think of each person as a kid.  I imagine what they must have been like as a kid and that they get hurt as well and just because someone like… Katrina Kaif (who I occasionally hate on in my head out of jealousy but secretly love) is super beautiful and popular now that doesn’t mean that their life is perfect or that they don’t cry themselves to sleep every once in a while.
When I was made fun of I used to think that if people really knew who I was and came over to my house one day and met my family and saw how I was at home they would never bully me again because they would see how much my family loved me and even if they didn’t like ME PERSONALLY they would not want to make someone else’s parents sad because at the end of the day they have parents too and would not want their parents to be upset.  I guess this blog is kind of my way of inviting people in… that if you really knew me there is no way that you could hate me…so I try to be as honest and open as I can in my posts, even though I get scared sometimes and think that people are going to think I’m nuts!

I don’t want to say that I constantly think of death but I think about it more often than an average person would.  That might sound terrible but it’s really not.
It’s led me to appreciate things in life a lot more. 
I also don’t waste time on people, things or events that I really don’t care about.  I never feel obligated to do something.  I have a lot of friends who feel like “arrey, they called me to come somewhere so I should go even if for a little bit na just to show my face?” (ok they don’t talk in that Mumbai accent but I couldn’t resist I love talking like that in my head teehee).  I NEVER feel like I “HAVE” to go somewhere.  If I want to go, I’ll go, if I don’t want to go then I won’t, I don’t feel obligated. 
I don’t like to waste time on petty things.  On my time off which is rare – I really want to
a.) accomplish the things I didn’t get to do because I was working which could be errands/blogging/watching movies/side jobs etc.
b.) spend time with family
c.) spend time with close friends that I see all the time
d.) spend time with the friends that don’t hang out with daily in the same circle of friends
e.)  chill.
I guess I’ve just aged prematurely or something, I imagine myself thinking like an old person – that death could happen at any moment to anyone and so you really do have to live life now and most importantly you shouldn’t  sweat the small stuff.
When people piss me off or do things that they shouldn’t I do get mad but I just think to myself – if they died tomorrow would this really matter?  99.999999 percent of the time it doesn’t freaking matter and so I move on.  The problem though is that the other person doesn’t have that morbid way of thinking so for them they just did something terrible and then I just continued on as per normal so they were never really “punished”.  That’s kind of a bad thing but I guess I just think that it’s fine as long as it doesn’t happen again.  Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.  So if you piss me off once about something – say you forgot my birthday – it’s not a big deal.  I won’t sweat the small stuff and you won’t have to bend over backwards to make it up to me, but if you EVER forget again …. lol poor guy.
I think of death and it helps keep things in perspective.  It helps let me know what is important and what isn’t but one shouldn’t think of death all the time.  There is a lot of life to live in this world, and sometimes people sweat the small stuff because they think that time is running out.  RELAX!  Life is a lot longer than we make out to be (it’s our memories that are short).  Martha Stewart was like 40+ when she published her first book, then finally came on TV in 1990 I believe (she was born in 1941) which was when she really became a home making expert so she was almost 50.  So…there’s plenty of time in life to do everything you want to do (but that’s no reason to delay – I’m just saying don’t sweat the small stuff).
Alrighty!  Remember – think of death, and at the same time, think that you have plenty of time to live.  It’s typical oxymoronic Sharin way of thinking and I think it works.  Don’t sweat the small stuff because you or people could die any second, and don’t freak out that life is running out because there’s tons of time to accomplish your dreams.

It’s been almost 2 years since my First Blog Post and I just thought I’d recap on why I write.  I write because I have to.  It’s a necessity for me, I am constantly writing no matter where I go, whether it’s tweeting/updating my status/writing blog topics and memo’s to myself on my phone, or while I’m at work writing in my notebook there about my thought processes, or at home on my blog or one of my personal diaries - - I have to write.  It makes me a little crazy though I must admit because when you think in your head your thoughts process so fast that you don’t even see it, it’s like boom boom boom.  However, when you write, you see your thought process flow out before you and when you see how your mind goes from one thing to another, and when you analyze yourself that much, you wander a little from the sane group.  It also makes me a little crazy because there’s so much of me that I have to use different diaries to cover different things or I’ll lose my mind.  One diary has my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings, one diary is more for fun so that I can exercise my mind and play with words, one is for brainstorming…etc etc.  Why can’t I have it all in one?…  It’s because I need to purge myself, I need to quickly rip out my dark side and then shut that book so I can focus on something else for a bit.  Imagine if I just had my blog as my one sole diary, imagine how traumatized yall would be reading it!?  Lol I’m doing yall a favour trust me!
I write for myself… I write to chronicle my life and so that when I look back one month, one year or one decade from now I can see who I was at that point of time.  Twitter for me is more a diary than anything else and same with Facebook statuses.  Yes I write to engage in conversation with the world but I’d say mainly its for me to look back on and see where I was and where I’ve come.
A diary entry of mine might simply be a list of songs on my playlist, or a header saying “Cozy” with a list of things that make me feel cosy and eventually it forms into a psychoanalysis of myself.  So as I said though, I do write for myself, these blog posts - -I love that people can read them, that even one person may have smiled at a post of mine or felt any kind of emotion at something that I wrote; it’s an amazing feeling and it’s a reason why I share my posts to the world, but I also feel exposed.  I feel exposed because my posts are ME, they’re not generic posts on fashion or Bollywood or technology like most blogs are, they’re posts about ME and my thoughts and beliefs.  I feel like people who read this blog in its entirety will walk away knowing a fair slice of me (not a whole lot mind you but a good glimpse) and it’s scary to open yourself to judgement in that way.  I am glad that I didn’t center my blog around a certain theme though this is my blog and I write about anything and everything I want…why restrict myself?

As of late.. I’ve heard so many people say the word “bandwagon”.  Why is that?  It is because, Michael Jackson has died, and now anytime someone mentions his name or says anything good about him, the other person in the conversation goes “way to jump on the bandwagon.”
What is a bandwagon(er)?  Urbandictionary.com describes it as

A fan of a particular sports team who had no previous interest in the team until they began winning. They often will claim that they have been "a fan forever."  AND/OR
In sports, someone who shamelessly cheers for a particular team not because he likes them or follows them faithfully, but only because that particular team is the "popular" choice or has been or is the top team in their specific sport recently. When that team which bandwagoners follow falls from grace, they gleefully jump on the next teams bandwagon and cheer for that team.

I believe that:
just because you HAPPEN to like something that everyone else likes.. it doesn't mean you're a bandwagoner just because it happens to be a convenient time to start liking something.. HOWEVER .. if you're liking something JUST because other people are liking it and you don't actually fully like it yourself and would never have liked it if other people didn't like it only then are you a bandwagoner.
In the case of Michael Jackson.  It is completely plausible and highly likely that people were a fan of Michael Jackson before his death,(in fact I don’t think I know a single person who would be immune to his music or talent) and after he died, they realized once again how amazing he was and and kind of renewed that interest in him.  It’s completely natural, and a common product of mourning, to reminisce about a person and to remember all the good things that came out of that person’s life.  I think it’s an insult to just continue on as if nothing had ever happened.  Are people supposed to shout from the rooftops randomly that you’re a fan of someone?  I’ve never been that type of person where I shout things from rooftops lol (figuratively) because I just don’t feel that I need to prove anything to anyone.  I’m a quiet kind of fan.  Of course, when people are alive yea you could be a fan and have all the cds or love the songs and think he’s awesome, but if he never really came up in conversation with someone or made news it’s not likely that many people will know, especially because he was around for so long it’s kind of generally accepted that everyone loves him.  It’s like.. when people ask me who my favourite actors are.. I usually say the younger, generally popular talented actors and bypass someone like Amitabh Bachchan because that’s just kind of a known fact.  Of course I don’t think anyone matches up to him.. he’s not even in the running he’s just permanently up there and not in the same league.  If that makes sense.
But you know what?  Even if someone was not ever a fan of Michael Jackson and just started listening to his music after his death and now realized that they liked it… SO WHAT?  I’m HAPPY!  Why would any fan of his NOT be happy that more people are appreciating his music?  As a fan, why would I say to someone “oh whatever you’re just into him now that he died”?.  That doesn’t make any sense.  I hate people and fans who look down on others..  “you can’t be as big of a fan as I am because I’ve watched every single Canucks hockey game since I was five”, “If you were a real fan you would have _____” Fill in the blank.  Being a fan, means that you care/love something.  There is no measure for how much someone loves something.  Sure, there are other people who know more about Italian football than I do, but that doesn’t mean I’m not as happy as those people when they win the World Cup, or as sad as them when they lose!  (I don’t actually watch club soccer but I watch the cups).  As for Michael, I mean, he lived a pretty rough life, and he WAS one of the most talented entertainers there ever was (WHILE he was alive and will continue to be the most talented for a long time I think) so of course I think he deserves it.  He deserves to have his songs played on the radio for weeks, he deserves to have people fall in love with his music, he deserves all the CNN and worldwide coverage, he deserves to have Billie Jean pumping from every car on the road.  It would be a disservice to him not to remember him.  And like I said before, of course people that you might not have known were fans before are going to be talking about him now.  It’s natural.  Someone DIED.. what are people supposed to just ignore that?  Does it really matter if you liked his music before or not?  What matters is if you like it NOW.  You’re alive NOW.  You either like something, or you don’t, and if you appreciate his music now that he’s dead, than all I can say to you is I’m glad you finally saw the light.  Yes of course, it kills me to see how the media and normal people everywhere bullied the sh*t out of him when he was alive but it would kill me even more if people didn’t at the very least appreciate him now that he’s gone.
It just amazes me how human’s put so many restrictions on themselves.  Like, you should be able to feel whatever you want to feel and not restrict yourself from those feelings.  Just because you might seem like you’re jumping on a bandwagon, doesn’t mean that you should suppress your emotions! 

So I was in the bathroom at school one day putting on some makeup when a pretty girl who looked like a shorter version of Zhang Ziyi walked in. She whipped out her makeup bag and we smiled at each other through the mirror. Then she pulled out this weird looking eyelash curler. I stared at it for so long trying to figure out what it was but couldn’t figure it out. She took out what looked like white nail polish and raised the brush towards her face, and caught my eye in the mirror. Embarrassed, I looked away, packed up my stuff and left the bathroom. I was super curious and it always kind of bugged me that I never asked her what it was that she was going to do.
My curiosity ended when I came across this YouTube video that I have posted. I can’t believe people are so obsessed with having a double eyelid that they’re willing to put glue on their eyelids, and poke and prod at it. I have a huge lid and it’s super deep and sunken in, and I absolutely hate how I can’t do a “smokey eye” effect with eye shadow because it would just look like I got punched in the eye because my eyes are so deep set. I remember always admiring Asian girls because they always had amazing eye makeup and it always looked so sexy, seductive and gave them this mysterious quality, whereas I always looked like a baby doll.
I just think this is really weird, and it makes me sad that so many people feel this way about their eyes. It’s not like regular plastic surgery where one girl or guy feels bad about their appearance and wants to get plastic surgery done. That is small because it is on such a personal level. This is major, because it’s a huge percentage of my generation that feel that they need to change a feature that is racially identifiable. It’s a HUGE problem! I don’t know why so many people feel this way, but it freaks me out. I really don’t know what to say about this whole thing but it saddens me. Let me know what you think…More on this to come!