C'est La Vie

A previous comment on one of my blog posts *yes I read them* asked me this:

How do you know ?. You mention the words, love, chemistry, comapatibility, attraction and passion. Essentially its being able to tell what your future might be with the guy based on the present, like how would you know and what would the guy have to show, that he is someone that you will love and be compatible with ? Do you measure how much he cares for you ?(love?), how often and long you are able to talk with him? (compatibility?), how hot and good looking he is ? and six pack? (attraction?), how many other girls want to date or get with him? (chemistry?), like what would he have to show, prove,say or do? 

I felt that others may have the same question - not specifically how do I know but how do women know that they are in love, so.. here we go!

The problem is that society has messed with people's heads.  A lot of women don't know what love is or they deny love.  Maybe it's because they don't think they deserve it, maybe they know that they are in love with someone but choose to deny themselves that happiness and live in denial.  Maybe the person they fell in love with isn't who or what they imagined and so they can't imagine "the future" dun dun dun. Maybe they're worried about "the future" dun dun dun.  Maybe they are afraid that the lifestyle they envisioned won't be there if they choose to continue down the path of true love.  Maybe they think that their parents won't be accepting, or that the person won't get along with their friends, or that the guy is too short/tall/fat/skinny/poor whatever.  

A lot of random little things can prevent love from maturing to it's full potential because of society.  Religion, status, desires in life (babies, marriage, living location) can affect a lot of things. Also, just not being ready for love can sometimes hold someone back. For example if I don't know where I'm going to be in the next year or so and I think I need a game plan and my life to be a certain way then I might reject love to work on what I need to work on. (I being used loosely here to represent everyone.. I have to throw in these disclaimers because people are *** and call me out on this stuff).

What is love?  I really don't think I have the answer.  I think that love is caring about a person, understanding WHO they are, recognizing that person's soul and what makes them happy and their life journey, wanting to see them happy and never wanting them to be hurt. 

Humans are stupid and silly and horrible people and you have to find something in that person - maybe the look in their eyes or that innocent quality or the smile on their face when you do something that makes them happy - that and joyful quality is what you want for them to always be.  Happy and trusting of you completely.  If you can hurt them in one fell swoop - they're in love with you.  So is love... related to hurt?  

Yes, I think so.  When you're falling in love or in love, you think about what would happen if you hurt them - and that thought makes you a bit sick.  You think to yourself, I could never hurt this person.  You also think about your life without them.  Maybe there will be a tragic accident, or maybe they'll break up with you, or maybe you'll lose your legs and they'll fall out of love with you.  Whatever the case, you picture some random psycho theory in your head.  If you start imagining this kind of stuff - you're probably in love.

Read this little blurb from a Divorced Man:

http://www.oddcrunch.com/divorced-man-words/0

His blog: http://geraldrogers.com - He's a motivational speaker or something now but regardless his words have definitely touched a lot of people as his post went viral.

Why can't we all just be in love happily ever after :) ?

Have you found your soulmate or are you still looking?  Do you believe in soul mates?  Do you think a soulmate is necessarily a lover that you will be with for the rest of your life or can it be like - just a soul that you connect with?

Can a soulmate and the love of your life be two different things?

This weekend, I had a randomly awesome conversation at Starbucks with someone.  I was sitting there working and I see someone who I often ran into but didn't know very well personally.

It was kind of a "ships in the sea", "strangers on a train" moment where we had a very genuine and honest conversation.   We discussed a life passion, we discussed where we really wanted to be, we discussed food, relationships, heartbreak, society.  I was told "boy it must be hard for you to find someone to date here" which I completely whole heartedly agree with :P hahaha, not many people these days have any insight or thought processes on what they're doing or what they think.  It's like they're just blindly marching on succumbing to the pressures of society.  We discussed the effect that alcohol has on young individuals (cough such as myself cough) these days.

This weekend, I kissed my friend's baby.  He's adorable.  We sat on her and her husband's patio with multiple of our friends and had some bbq'd chicken, food, spirits and conversation. 

To Obsessed,

I want you to know that this letter is my expression of genuine concern for you. I know you know who I am and now that I know who you are it's time for this unhealthy obsession of yours to come to an end.

I will never understand your need to basically stalk me. I don't know what good your "research" on me will do for you - I'm not the one you need to worry about, seemingly maybe your "relationship" deserves more of your attention, perhaps? I can't help that he has a wandering eye and needs - just like you can't help the distance and seperation.
The attention you're giving me is just what he clearly craves and it's unhealthy to say the least, but if you so choose to continue your "relationship" with someone who would probably be happier with a mirror for company... so be it! If you want to talk to me, I'm here. Otherwise, please move on!


Thank you. Concerned.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

How to de-stress...

I often get asked, why I don't write as much. I do write. I get asked this question from people who I've known for a long time, people that have seen me grow up and have followed me and supported me on my journey. First, to you I say thank you. You know who you are!

But yes, I do write still! I write in journals, I write in my Notes on my phone, I write long emails or long letters or I just write in my head (if that's a thing....).  I'm a huge fan of letters, but I'm a little bit cautious of them because I don't want to jinx myself so I tend to write in my journal now as if I'm writing to that person; and then I just keep it to myself.

I've learnt that not everything can be communicated or needs to be communicated/said. You may need to express yourself, but not necessarily to the person who caused you to feel this way. It's your journey, not theirs. This can be both when a person makes you feel good and when a person makes you feel bad.

Say a person makes you feel good. What about that feeling is about them, and what about that feeling is about you? In my opinion it's largely about you and how you need that feeling, validation, or that emotion, or that love, or that kindness, or that understanding at that time. You are the one who is in that prime spot of needing or wanting or enjoying that emotion and that's why you feel good. So, say you like someone, and they compliment you. You will react positively and feel great and think YES. Say you don't like someone and they compliment you, you'll likely be a little irritated and wish that person would just leave you alone or not engage with you because you don't like them. Other people cannot make you feel good. You have to allow or want or need that feeling and you are the one who chooses the people that can make you feel good.

Your reaction to things is 100% your responsibility. So... if you are happy because someone made you feel happy - it's because you were ready and willing to accept it. My point is - the sole responsibility of your happiness does not derive from someone else. It truly lies with you. You are actually the only person that can make you happy. This isn't a unique thought, many people say this all the time "You're in control of your happiness" etc etc. My point though is the opposite (negative statement) - that someone else is not in control of your happiness. That someone else is not in control of your sadness or the bringer of happiness/sadness into your life. You aren't lovable because you are loved, you are loved because you are lovable and open to being loved. The difference between the "you're in control of your happiness" and "someone else is not in control of your happiness" is that the former sounds very optimistic and idealistic and the latter is the blatant truth. Mr. Whoever or New Job, or New Car is not the reason why you're happy. YOU are the reason why you're happy. Likewise, Mr Whoever, or Job or Money is not the reason why you're sad. YOU are the reason why you're sad. Telling someone they're in control of their happiness is not the same thing as telling someone that the factors in their life is not the reason why they feel happy or sad. It's a subtle but important shift of focus.

So, when you are in a relationship - stop thrusting all your happy emotions on them or they'll feel terribly burdened with the responsibility of keeping you happy. Stop expressing every single emotion that you feel to that person because it's YOUR emotion. You may need to express emotions but it doesn't have to be TO that person. They are adding to your happiness, but it's your responsibility to be happy.

That's what I've learnt so far in life, that there are many blessings to look out for and many people that add to your joy and happiness. Ultimately it is up to you to open up to this and to own it. Don't put the burden of keeping you happy on someone else because that's a false way to live. Just be happy, on your own, and share your happiness and accept the additions to that happiness from others.

Surprise!  A hip hop song degrades women.  This time it's not in the overtly sexual way where you see it "in your face" with women in thongs draped over a man in a club wearing sunglasses or women washing a car with close up shots of soapy water running down her chest.  This time it's by your super sensitive BWOI Drake.  This time it's barely noticeable and that is what the problem is.

Drake's song is addicting, Drake is lovable, you find yourself humming the tune and just repeating his lines over and over again "Girl you got me down, you got me stressed out/Cause ever since I left the city, you/Started wearing less and goin’ out more" but really the songs lyrics are...terrible.  I actually can't believe that someone so influential and so popular sings stuff like this, "Used to always stay at home, be a good girl." I'm sorry, what?  If I were to watch a Hollywood movie or even a Bollywood movie where someone says something like this I know that people would be offended.  So why does no one care when Drake says it?

Mostly I think it is that people don't realize when something is demeaning to women.  The western world and especially in pop culture have become a lot more judgmental towards women, they demonize and dehumanize women in pop culture who sing about their ex boyfriends (Taylor) or who wear skimpy clothes (Miley).  Females in the media and in music are never looked at as women who are in charge of their image, sexuality or life choices and are almost always made out to be victims, harlots, and etc.  Even Beyonce these days can't get away from being victimized; "Jay Z cheated on Beyonce with Rihanna, Beyonce photoshops herself, Beyonce is in a loveless marriage".  So far the only person I can think of who isn't portrayed as such is Adele and that's because "she's a good girl".

I'm not going to just flat out say that Drake is a misogynist like most people because I don't think that he is.  I think that this is just culture now.  He doesn't realize what he's saying (maybe) and those listening to his music do not think anything he is saying is out of the ordinary. This is very, very unfortunate.  If a man in the Middle East said his daughter shouldn't be going out and shouldn't be wearing revealing clothes everyone in America would be like WHAT A BACKWARDS INDIVIDUAL boy am I glad to live in America.  As soon as Drake says the same thing it's suddenly a hit song.

In the 50's you had the stereotypical male/female dynamic where the woman was a perfect house wife and the man went out to get the bacon.  At that point if you were trying to work as a female you would be looked down upon by society for shirking her womanly responsibilities of keeping home.  She would likely be accused of not being a good mother or wife.  In the 60's more women were entering the workforce and there were discussions and campaigns for equal pay. In the 70's you saw a huge shift in terms of cultural equality where women were not as judged for being in open, consensual relationships or making their own choices in their personal life or studies.  There was thought into what women were doing and more friendship between the sexes.  In the 80's women were very focused on gender equality and showcasing the power that they had while retaining their femininity, something that was evident in female fashion of that decade.  There were kick ass girls to look at in the 80's.  Madonna for example was revolutionizing females in mainstream pop culture and Oprah Winfrey was doing her thing on TV.

In the 90's and early 2000's I think gender equality took a little bit of a back seat.  The world was changing so rapidly and opening so much globally that men and women were a little overwhelmed.  People seemed to just be trying to make something of themselves in the world.  Standard family units were a thing of the past with many marriages ending in divorce in America and battling to be happy was a primary focus.

Now what?  (Oh you're still reading, THANKS).  Well, now, I feel that people have just lost the topic all together.  Women no longer stand together, they're more likely to pull each other down either by commenting on someone's Instagram post or trying to BE the perfect women or berating THEMSELVES for not being the perfect women.

I am very, very against those who pretend to be the perfect woman. What they're doing is even more dangerous than any gender inequality issue of the past.  In the past women used to talk about how they were struggling to have it all, struggling to balance work and their home life.  There was a discussion and an understanding that it was a struggle and difficult to balance things.  Now, some women are saying that they CAN have it all.  This is BAD.

The "perfect" women is everywhere.  She's having a natural birth and then losing it instantly simply by breastfeeding and "running after their toddler".  The perfect woman is a CEO of a company, just had birth and did not take her maternity leave.   Yahoo's CEO stated that "since her pregnancy was healthy and uncomplicated" she was only going to take 2 weeks of maternity leave and that she was going to work throughout. This implies that unless you have a complicated pregnancy and need the rest you shouldn't be taking it.  You should be working.  What about bonding with your child or breast feeding when your baby is hungry every hour?  Sure she's a CEO and can probably afford to leave the office when she needs to, but other women can't.  There are only so many female CEO's in the first place, I would have really appreciated it if she set a better, more realistic and achievable standard for other women.  For women who have C-sections it takes 4 weeks or longer to recover.  The fact that I'm even giving reasons as to why a women should be able to take her full maternity leave is wrong.  It should be our right.  Someone so influential should not be setting such a horrible precedent for the rest of women in the workforce.

So if you aren't berating yourself for not being perfect, or on the flip side telling women that they "can have it all" by being the perfect businesswoman and then coming home to cook for their husband and bring their straight A students to their violin class - you might be the woman who think that by staying home and being a good girl you will get the perfect husband who will treat you like the "Queen" you deserve to be treated as.

You see all these Memes, Tumblr blogs and Instagram posts that really just pollute your mind and perpetuate that "good" women get "kings" and "good" women aren't like the other vile type of women that are "side hoes".  I just don't get this type of logic.  I also don't get people who put up quotes like this.  Stop perpetuating this "Drake" culture and mentality that women who stay in and cover up are good clothes and "wifey" material.  You can be wifey material in a bikini or if you go out and have fun with your friends.  You can be and do anything you want to be.  It's not fair that men go out with women and then damn those same women for going out with them.  Don't condone this behaviour.

It's time to have this discussion again about how difficult it is to be a woman.  To realize that we bear responsibility to raise our voices when a millionaire rap star tells us to stay at home and be a good girl, that we bear responsibility to bond together and to discuss issues like how a woman should not have to go in to work after she has birth.  To not be influenced by social media or the media in general who tells us that our only values are our bodies and that it's expected that one should look perfect all the time and lose weight immediately after having a baby.  We should think about what we like on Instagram when you see someone post about how it's a man's job to respect a woman but a woman's job to give him something to respect.  No! It's a human being's job to respect another human being and treat them with dignity.  Speak up!  The next time you hear someone hum a song with a bad lyric ask them, "what do you think about this lyric"?  Strike up a dialogue and a conversation.  The worst thing is complete apathy and ignorance to a situation.

I want people to at least understand what they're listening to, and then if they choose to be hypnotized by Drake's eyes and melody they're free to do so!

Hi!

It's me!  Sharin, Sharin Saxena, Miss Saxena, Queen Sharin, whatever you know me as.

Yes, I'm still alive.  I'm... enjoying my life.  For now!  I think it's been hard to write in this blog because I've begun censoring myself.  I can't write about topic A because I don't know everything about it, I can't write about feminism because I do things that "oppose" that theory, I can't write about my opinions on things because someone will say something or because in 1 year I might not feel that way.

But, so what!  Nothing!  Who cares?!  It's not only that... everything is just so public nowadays.  I don't know if I want my thoughts and opinions and girlish dreams or problems (and now I would say womanly problems) to be out in the world.

I think that before I wrote this blog from the third person perspective of "a young girl living in this world trying to do her own thing" and that's not really me anymore.  I feel wiser, I still make bad decisions in life but I'm doing it with my eyes wide open.  I think that a lot that is happening in my life is private.  I can't share it, I won't share it, I don't want other people to know how I think or what I do or what I feel anymore.

I can't decide if this means that I'm freeing myself or trapping myself.  Was writing my thoughts and random opinions on this blog freeing?  Or is being private and having my thoughts to myself freeing?

I guess the main point is I won't write on here unless I'm being authentic and lately it hasn't felt very authentic. 

http://youtu.be/HakwRDxitvo

Dude.  Jenna Marbles is so freaking funny.  I just dig this type of humour.  She keeps it real, she doesn't care to act girly (although she is but she doesn't put up any pretences), act pretty, appeal to men, be fake nice, she's not careful with her words, she's not trying to win any popularity contests, she's not trying to be perceived as anything, she swears, she's not politically correct - she doesn't mince her words.  SHE'S FREE, she's HER, she's NORMAL and is just.. freaking funny!

I remember watching one of her videos a long time ago - when she was not a famous YouTuber yet but her video "How To Trick People Into Thinking You're Good Looking" went VIRAL.  She now has 14 million (yea, 14 MILLION PEOPLE) subscribers.  That's amazing.

Anyway, just had to share.  This type of comedy where someone is just - semi ranting (most of my blogs I realize are just me ranting) but in a hilarious way - is totally my type of comedy.  Jenna, thank you for keeping it real.

(Also - if you watch her "How To Trick People Into Thinking You're Rich" you'll realize she is basically describing every Asian male/female in BC).

You've heard or know of her.  The "no worries girl" the "chill girl" the "guys love to hang out with her" girl.  The guys think she's different from their gf's girl (HA!), chill and opposite from their (supposedly) "psycho" girlfriends.





















What people don't realize is that often, she's probably just chill because she WAS one of the most psycho girls of all time.  I mean psycho in the best way, obviously. #girlsgirl

She probably learnt a lot from her experience and changed but these supposed "psycho" tendencies still likely exist.

Essentially I think a "chill" girl want's to be cool and awesome and relaxed but sacrifices their actual wants or needs in the process of looking "cool" to the guys.

Part of a Chill Girls' verbal repertoire;
- She (other girl) needs to calm the f*ck down
- It's chill
- it's ok!
- K!
- no worries!
- sounds good!
- yea!
- that's hilarious!
- omg, really lol
- Nice!
- For sure!
- Not much, just busy working
- Aw, no worries!
- I'm not a phone person

And my favourite:
- You're so funny!

Someone who says "I don't care about flowers, there are other things a guy can do to show a girl he cares".  "Valentine's Day is just a commercial holiday" blah blah blah.  Likely a chill girl.  She probably DOES feel those things - but usually guys are too dumb to get that means she wants those things + more.  So she's actually worse (in the sense of less easily accepting) than a normal girl.  A normal girl would be happy with flowers!  A normal girl would Instagram that ish and hashtag it #bestbf.  A "chill" girl  - that means she thinks that's the least you can do - she wants you to do more + she still likes flowers.

The Valentine's Day comment -  you better be upping your game every other day.  Birthdays and holidays?  She probably thinks they are the most important things in the world, but she won't let you know.  These sentences often get people confused and they think you're a "chill" girl, but suddenly a chill girl is left with even less than what she expected.

To be honest - I personally have never been the kind of girl who has said that she hates V day or etc, those are just common examples that I'm using.  I think anyone that knows me knows how much I love flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, special holidays (especially Halloween, NYE and Valentine's Day).  So yea.  Just saying - not everything in this blog (as usual) is a direct representation of my personal self.

Spilling the beans - - - A chill girl is someone who plays the "I give less of a shit" than you do card, always.  She's not actually chill and yes, she does give a shit.

Why doesn't she just tell you what she wants?  Not sure.

"Chill" girl Example:
1. Guy to "Chill" girl: "Heyy stranger it's been a while!" - Chill Girl in her head: "so summer is over, you've been binge drinking every weekend and now that it's Fall you're like oh shit I should text that girl that I met."  What is said in reality: "heyy it has been! :) how are you?".

Why so fake?  Honestly, it's because a "Chill" Girl can't be bothered, and that's the problem! she sees it all,  gets it all but can't freaking be bothered to call someone out on on their shit or to feel or care enough to say something.  Like why should I?  Who are you to me?  Why should I call you out on your shit?

Personally, the more things that happen, the less I care, but I don't care enough in the first place to have said something.  Or maybe it's expect enough to say something.  I just take note of it in my head and that's it.

Personally speaking - it's obviously not good for me to pretend to be ok with things if I'm not.  It's not that I accept things IN MY LIFE that I'm not ok with (in my life if I'm p.o'd at someone's behaviour they will know *cue threatening music*).  It's that these things that are happening are not yet (technically) a part of my life - they are happening with people who I'm still debating about including in my life.  So I still have the choice to accept this as my life or not.  Since I still have a choice, it makes no sense for me to be like "hey that thing you did sucks" when I can easily just walk away from the person who was displaying sucky behaviour.

I'm usually happy and ok on my own.  So then when I try and let other people into my life and they inevitably are idiots I'm not going to get mad or take it offensively.  Maybe I was expecting it or maybe I was relieved when they prove that their company is in fact not worth the peace of my solitude.  Maybe I just expect people to fail, maybe I want more and can't admit it.  Maybe I think if I say something I'll scare them away - like me in my blogs.  I'm obviously a very opinionated, weird and analytical person.

I want to meet a normal person, not someone who I have to "manage" or scold or put in their place or act upset with in order for them to finally get or understand what I want.  I want them to be an adult.

I definitely see people being unsatisfied with their boyfriends, the guys are always "in trouble" or put down or making jokes about how demanding their girlfriends are (while obviously loving it).

The dangerous aspect of a "Chill" girl is if she's being chill to appear as being cooler than she is.  I think that's the aspect a lot of "Chill" girls have where they feel like they can't freak out or they can't expect stuff and they'd rather pretend to be a cool girl than demand what they want or expect.  But yes, girls that are "Chill girls" and are pretending to have beer versus a martini because they think it makes them more relatable or saying no worries when their boyfriend cancels on a date to hang out with friends - that's the dangerous chill girl behaviour that needs to be nipped in the bud.

If you ARE in a relationship and you HAVE expectations, I think it is important to be honest with the other person AND YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So if you WANT flowers and a nice date on Valentine's day and you haven't gotten those random bouquet of flowers you want, I'd mention it in a normal way.  People aren't mind readers after all.  If you AREN'T getting what you want out of a relationship then you need to be honest with yourself, and with your partner. 

Mallika Sherawat.  The whole thing - especially 3:50 ONWARDS.  She's first and foremost - a Bollywood actress and not a "popular" one  - thus automatically "not respected" as a woman, not to mention she's one of the first actresses in Bollywood to have kissed on screen.  Her first movie required her to kiss more than 10 times in a Bollywood movie - breaking for sure some sort of record.

People dismiss beautiful women so easily, not to mention ones that initially displayed their sex appeal as one of their plus points.  It makes me inherently sad to have people judge others' intelligence based on their beauty or sex appeal.

Mallika is a rare breed - especially for "Indian" culture.  Independent, presumably sexual - at least comfortable with portraying sensuousness on screen, and has acted in international films opposite Jackie Chan and in other regional films besides Indian cinema.  She came under fire a while ago due to her comments on women in India.

Note that this was at a time that "India's daughter" Jyoti Singh who made International headlines and was treated in Singapore was brutally murdered.  Jyoti was raped and ultimately died due to her injuries.  Jyoti was raped,   by a metal rod, desecrated, and horrifyingly more.

When Mallika came back to India and was questioned by a journalist she for once in an actresses; life actually had facts to back up her statement, did not try to be politically correct, had 100% the truth in terms of what she originally said and why she said what she did. In short - she was smart, intelligent, spoke beautiful hindi and this is one of the truest and most intelligent things I've heard from this industry.

Said with PASSION, strength, etc.  I cried re-watching this as I have many times before (I'm obviously still tearing up.)

Lines: "Aur aurothon ki tarah main bhi chup reh-jaon? (...)  1000 men to 700 women, Khok mein hi marh dehtey hain, aur is desh mein Devi ki pooja ki jathi hain aur female bachey ko khok mein mardetein hain.'


It's actresses like Mallika who 1st of all SPEAK THE PRIMARY LANGUAGE OF HER COUNTRY who can make a change in society in India.  Women, especially those pursuing a career in one of the most sexualized acting industries in the world often don't speak out for fear of a backlash.  I'm still in tears copying what she said in my head.  Moving.