C'est La Vie

I was sitting going through some old pictures when I realized… I have no real idea of who I used to be.  I do not fully remember what I used to be like, or how I used to think when I was younger.  I have no idea who that girl was.  If I met her on the street, her and I would probably have different views on a few different topics.  She’s lost to me forever. 

No, I’m not having a mid mid life crisis, I’m just trying to say that I or you can’t fully get back into the old “you’s” brain and think the way you used to think.  We can never really go back, every moment that happens changes us irrevocably.  I guess I just find it weird that not only do we not truly ever know how someone else feels or think, we don’t even really know ourselves.

Too often we go through life thinking that all we need is ourselves. All we need to do is trust in ourselves.  All we need to do is believe in ourselves.  All we need is to take care of ourselves.  This is all complete bullsh*t. 

The reality check is we need more than just ourselves.  We wouldn’t be alive today without being cared for by other human beings.  We’re nothing without other people, we wouldn’t exist without other people and we shouldn’t forget that fact as we grow older into our teens or early twenties.  “When an infant falls below the threshold of physical affection needed to stimulate the production of growth hormone and the immune system, his body starts shutting down." - - - we literally would die if we weren’t loved.  Maybe you can be conceived in a test tube and in the future from an artificial uterus, but there is no machine that would mimic a human’s love or touch.  Isn’t that strangely comforting?

How do you define yourself?  If I asked you – who are you?  Your response would be???… I am Sarah.  Or Jane or whoever – so by your name, right?  But who calls you by your name?… other people do.  Your own name doesn’t really belong to you does it, it’s just a way for OTHER people to identify you, so it really belongs to them.  Its for them to use.  You don’t write your name down on a piece of paper so that you know who you are, you write it down because someone else gave you that name and you need to identify yourself to whoever you’re handing the paper in to.

How do you know what you were like as a kid?  Because other people told you.  So that means that my first few years don’t belong to me – they belong to my family.  I don’t remember anything at all about who I used to be when I was 2 years old, or 5 years old for the most part.  Knowing that someone else knows something about you that you don’t know is so extremely cool.  Hearing that I used to walk before I crawled or that I used to draw squiggly lines over people’s faces in photo albums or when my sister tells me when we’re shopping for groceries during our trip to Singapore that I used to eat those cookies all the time when I was young makes me smile, and I would never have known those facts about my own self if it wasn’t for my family and people around me.  It’s that question - “if the tree falls in the woods and there was no one there to hear it does it make a sound?”… If I grew up with no one around to tell me who I used to be would I actually exist?  I’m not so sure I would. 

It’s odd to me to know that I don’t even know who I used to be.  It’s one thing to think that way about yourself as a child because no one has memories from when they’re 1 years old… but what about if you couldn’t remember who you were 3 years ago?  What about if you couldn’t remember what you thought like?  What if you couldn’t remember what it was like to feel the emotion that you knew you felt at that point of time?  What if you couldn’t remember what it was like when you fell in love with someone or something like painting or dancing?  How is it that we change so fast?

Is the you that you are now really the same you that you came into the world as?  Scientifically even – no.  You’re not the same you as you were when you were born, and you’re not even the same you that you were 8 years ago or yesterday.  From Stanford’s stem cell bio and regenerative medicine website it states: “Every one of us completely regenerates our own skin every 7 days. A cut heals itself and disappears in a week or two. Every single cell in our skeleton is replaced every 7 years.”

So every single cell in my skeleton has been replaced 3 times now.  That is so freaking weird!  I think for the most part, I exist because I have family, because they’ve told me initially who I was.  I am my father’s daughter, my mother’s daughter, my older sisters youngest sister.  Without people who love me in this world I don’t exist.  The tree wouldn’t make a sound if it fell.

So to all the people who think they’re all cool and thug life and “You’re born alone you die alone”… reality check.  It’s not really true, is it?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/If_a_tree_falls_in_a_forest

Read that.  Super interesting.

I’m having a personal melt down right now.  Most of the time I don’t give a eff what someone thinks about me.  Maybe I’ve just developed thick skin over the years or maybe it’s my obsession with women like Marilyn Monroe and Angelina Jolie or maybe it’s the fact that the amount of love that I receive for being myself has eclipsed any naysayers.  I’ve opened myself up to the universe and received so much love in return!!  Maybe it’s because I feel like people have talked so much crap about me that I’m just used to it.  Maybe it’s because I think other people are idiots most of the time and I’m actually super cool.

Sometimes though, sometimes I feel like I am the most out there and weirdest chick ever.  Maybe I’m giving myself too much importance but all of a sudden I’m sitting here with this gripping fear and realization that MAYBE MY PARENTS WERE RIGHT?!

WHO…WHO is going to marry a girl that is this out there, who secretly (or I guess not so secretly anymore) wants to be an actress and writes her thoughts out for the world to see on a blog and wants to put DANCING freaking VIDEOS of herself on Youtube and loves item numbers in Bollywood songs and would totally love to be in one because she doesn’t think it’s “dirty” and thinks people who thinks it’s dirty are dirty.?  Who would want to be with a girl who wants to travel the world and work crazy amazing jobs that are fun because she doesn’t care about money , who wants to be able to get up and leave whenever she wants and live in 3 different countries, who wants to join politics and write and act and dance and host a food n travel tv show and become an Egyptologist and makeup artist?  Who would want to be with a girl who thinks in lyrics and writes lyrics down on paper and wants to save the world while holding a designer bag, who buys Maclean’s, Times, Psychology Today magazines the same time she buys In Touch and Star because Kim Kardashian is on the cover and then takes notes while reading Elle and Vogue, who buys like a book a week from Kobo and Google’s images of Mumbai for fun?  Who would want to be with a girl who feels bad for her teddy bears that don’t get regular hugs and makes sure to divvy them up fairly, who will put her family before anyone else, who actually likes alone time and goes to watch movies in the cinema alone, who shops in the toy section for herself while pretending it’s for her nieces, who cries when Italy doesn’t win the World Cup and eats Pringles like they’re going out of style?  Who would want to be with a girl who is fiercely independent  yet still wants to live with her in laws (and really I mean if I didn’t live with my in laws what would have been the bloody point of learning how to cook roti and every sabji and curry out there – today’s generation sure as heck wouldn’t appreciate my rotis and FYI I can’t make western food only indian and singaporean).  Who would not get scared after checking out my blog? Who would marry a girl who wants someone to run with her not walk and who is so fiercely loyal that she had the same mp3 and camera for 6 years even though she works at an electronics store?  Who  planned out the rest of her life starting from gr.8 the first day she went to her best friends house and is still best friends with her and pretty much followed the plan lol.  Who would want to marry a girl who has strong opinions and thinks for herself?  Hmm…Wait a second I sound kinda cool actually (to myself anyways – and that’s all that really matters!)

Personal meltdown over.  For all of you who no doubt get that gripping fear that you’re never going to find anyone (that everyone feels every once in a while…if you didn’t feel this way you probably wouldn’t be a very nice and compassionate individual) – Here’s some advice for you:

Goodnight boys and girls – wait for the one!!  Oh and…If any asshole leaves or gives up on you, remember – they’re just an asshole! ;)

I don’t know what it is with girls.  We are SO different from guys!

Guys are used to pumping themselves up.  Their self esteem increases in direct relation to the number they’re bench pressing.  They feel good when they’re making money, when they’re working out, when they’re picking up chicks, and when they’re DOING things.  They have no problem promoting themselves and bragging or boasting about how much they’re benchpressing, how much they’re making, how many numbers they’re getting, how many chicks they’re doing and …you get the point.  It’s all very measurable.  Girls can have an amazing body and STILL be complaining about their fat arms or small boobs. 

When a guy gives another guy a compliment like: “your arms are getting huge”, the guy who is on the receiving end of the compliment accepts it matter of factly.  He does NOT do what girls do and reject the compliment “my arms are nice whatt noo no look at this it’s so jigglyyyy *shake shake shake*”. 

Why is it that girls have such a hard time accepting compliments?  Not only is it stupid to point out your flaws if you really believe they are flaws, it’s detrimental to your self worth and esteem.  TAKE THE COMPLIMENT – ESPECIALLY, and I cannot stress this enough ESPECIALLY if a guy is giving it to you.  Don’t let it get to your head, but just thank him and accept it.  The more you point out your flaws the more he’ll end up believing you!  It will slowly sink into his head and then he might be like ya that’s right, your friend’s ass IS nicer than yours, or ya you’re right your hair really is messed up.  It’s true.  Trust me.

Sometimes you feel… Does anyone even know what you’re talking about?  Does anyone bother to read between the lines?  Does anyone understand you?  Is anyone out there?  Do they feel the same way as you?  Do they know where you’re coming from?  Are you talking to yourself?  Does everyone else just think you’re a freaking weirdo?

Sometimes you ask yourself those things.  I do all the time.  I think the biggest thing for people is to be understood.  You want someone to know who you really are.  You want someone to know how you feel.  You want to be understood.  There are a few people in my life who I think do understand me.  For some reason, I think I’m a pretty weird person and sometimes I wish I was normal.  I guess everyone is weird in their own way though.  For me it’s just that sometimes I wish I didn’t have the desire to do all the things that I want to do.

I wish I could be content being mediocre.

I love sharing an intimate moment with a stranger (not the one night stand kind although I’m sure that’s very nice as well).  It helps me feel connected to the world and makes you realize how we are all so similar and all human.

It doesn’t have to be a sit down and cry raw emotion type of moment but even a commiserating glance with someone else who has been waiting a long time at the cash register, a smile with someone else who saw something funny on the sky train; anything that connects you with another person for a moment.  I just LOVE that.  I get shivers.  I love feeling like part of one giant circle of life.  I’m a Lion King era baby what else can I say? :)

I’ve had some amazing “stranger moments” with people and so many people who have touched my life without even knowing it.  I’m not being dramatic but I could have died and been raped if not for some strangers so… thank you to all the strangers out there!  I’m sure I’ll have a “Five People You Meet In Heaven” moment with you on the other side.

6 things that irritate me RIGHT NOW.  They may not be your typical list of things as I covered a lot in my Rant

“Not a problem” - When I ask someone if they can help me find something at a store, or ask someone to do a favour for you and they respond with “not a problem”.  IT’S A YES OR NO QUESTION.  YES.  OR NO.  OF COURSE IT’S NOT A PROBLEM OTHERWISE DO YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE BEEN SO RUDE AS TO HAVE ASKED?  Responding with “not a problem” insinuates that it could have been perceived as a problem, therefore you think that I am that rude that I would have asked something of someone that would have inconvenienced them majorly.  Screw you.

“No offense” – So let me get this straight… if you’re saying “No offense” you know then that this could be taken the “wrong” way or hurt/irritate the person you’re saying it to and yet you STILL want to say it?  What kind of human being are you?  I hate when people say “no offense” after saying something completely rude and unbearable; don’t think that just by saying that you sound like a decent person because you still don’t sound like one and furthermore you are not and never will be a decent person.  Go lock yourself in a room.

Stupid Celebrities on Twitter – They’re rich, they’re famous and all they do every other day is “OMG I’M ALMOST AT 1 MILLION FOLLOWERS I LOVE YOU SO MUCH TELL UR FRIENDS TO FOLLOW ME HELP ME GET TO 1 MILLION!!”… (cough @KimKardashian cough) You are so lame?!!!!!!!!  If I was a celebrity, I would NEVER ever tell anyone to follow me wtf?  Weirdo celebs…

People who don’t leave messages- If you’re calling me, and you don’t call me very often (ie. daily basis), can you please TEXT or leave a voicemsg saying WHY you called.  I’m not saying I don’t want to hear from you, I’m probably delighted but it is a bit worrisome!  I do it if I’m calling someone who I don’t call very often.  It’s just the polite thing to do!  Shoot them a “hey just thought I’d call and see how you were doing its been a while!  call me when ur free :)”.  There, now was that very hard? 

Ipads – The name itself is irritating, and it’s super irritating to see all you ipad users on the skytrain playing your stupid annoying games. :( I want one :(  Apple comes out with amazing products that is for sure but the one thing I don’t like about their company is you have iNoia (fear that you should have waited one more generation before buying an Apple product).

WHEN MY PARENTS SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE – ok I absolutely hate it when we’re all oot and aboot like at a restaurant or something and my parents speak in Punjabi or Malay in front of the waiter… I get so embarrassed because OBVIOUSLY the waiter knows we’re talking about him (or the shop keeper depending on where we are) and I kind of grin and blush and stand there awkwardly trying to not be so ethnic.  I wish my parents would just talk in a language that everyone can understand, or else wait till there is a better opportunity to say something.  The polite way would be just to TELL the waiter/shopkeeper to excuse you for a moment!  They will leave and then blab away all you want!