Mirror mirror on the wall... Instagram pics|Artistic expression|Good vs Evil|SKR vs SS


We put a lot of stuff out there on social media sites.  I think it's safe to say that we also take a lot more pictures now than we used to now that we're in a digital age and no longer trying to save precious film (24 images a roll - preposterous! Now I take 24 pics for one angle per outfit and then upload the best one ;) lol).  I usually try and post things that are a little out there, to me nothing is ever just as it is.  A quote that I post is really because of something else that I'm trying to reveal about myself (or to someone specific - I've written before about Why I Write ), a picture is an artistic expression and so on.  This is not to say that everything has deep meaning, I mean of course I like every girl, post some pictures because I went out and spent money on a nice outfit or what have you.  We live in a world now where we are all essentially creating our brands and self promoting ourselves to stay relevant if we want to be a part of a career that cares primarily about looks especially (say model or actress).  I've noticed that as time goes on I feel more and more divided as a person and I've noticed it via my pic posts.   I've posted quite a few "mirror" pics where there are two of me or I'm actually looking into a mirror (like above and below).  

I thought it would be cool for me to kind of explain what I meant by posting the pictures and where I was going in my head with them - ALSO just delving a little bit into how women can feel conflicted with what is expected of them.  I'm very into good vs evil, the battle between light and dark.  A few people have asked me "why are you so dark now", "what's with the Gothic pics", etc.. someone actually spent a good five minutes at a party telling me that they understood why I was showcasing the pics that I did on instagram and facebook and explained some of it to me and I was shocked by the level of insight other people had towards my actions - So I thought I would explain some of them to you ...  With more and more people (everyone basically lol) choosing to have a "public" image via social media sites and a "private" one I feel like not just I but a lot of people have these conflicting feelings...hence this post :).  I've written about being an Extremist person before and I've posted a "If you see this girl can you tell her where I am"  post so this is really a recurring issue/theme.

So the above picture was me saying "suck it" to myself... the negative force inside me, that I can be whoever I want and do whatever I want and I don't need to hold myself back as we so often do :).  I was just in a "suck it a-holes" frame of mind.



This picture above is me staring into a mirror again it was kind of a good wife vs mistress type of thing.. the good me is outside and I'm kind of observing someone else in the reflection.  I originally wanted to photoshop the girl in the mirror to be wearing a black dress but I didn't know how to do that lol.  (Just realized I wrote "girl in the mirror" as if it's a different person lol fml.) The picture was originally posted on Instagram with the lyric "Je main tenu andar doonda te baher kisdi maya" which means "If I'm looking for you inside than whose reflection is outside" and it has to do with God and Love as well.  The lyric originally says If I look for you outside then who is residing in me, if I'm looking for you inside than whose reflection is outside". The reason why I chose that lyric is because I mean it in the sense of a love lost/found as well as God lost found and the struggle between light and dark.



I posted some of the pics subconsciously choosing to mirror myself and later as I realized that I've done quite a bit of it I just kind of realized it's because I've actually... I actually feel very divided and like two people. When you're a kid it's so simple, you're just a kid.  You're so pure and innocent and then now with society the way it is it's just this constant struggle.  The struggle to be yourself but to be noticed as an artistic person so essentially the battle between selling out and staying true to yourself, the struggle to be a female and embrace your femininity and sexuality and be bold but also to preserve that and hold that close to you because it's sacred.  The struggle between wanting to be wild and not come home at night and to feel nothing but the pleasure of the music rushing through you and lights flashing vs wanting to be home with family in Spongebob Squarepants pajamas (totally wearing them right now).  

 My friend JUST said to me on Thursday "the old you would never wear that", and I was like "who?", she said "there are so many you's I don't even know which one anymore the new old you, the old old you, the old new you". It's just SO WEIRD that people around me have actually felt the divisions.  I met someone who asked me about what I used to do before working and I explained that I was doing political science at SFU and he was just like wow that's .. so different from who I am now.  He's right, I could never imagine myself being the same person who went to SFU again, I left that place and never went back because I would feel like I was going to my own graveyard.  

The weird thing is a couple of years ago - when I was kind of into this new transition into a newer, bolder me let's just say lol I had a dream (and I don't have dreams) and I dreamt that I was in the apartment my family lived in when I was five.  There were two of me - me now and me when I was about 4 with curly hair and I just hugged the 4 year old me.  It was the creepiest dream I've ever had in my life I have goosebumps as I write this.  The next day I just felt so unsettled.  I think my soul somewhere went to visit an old me or something.  It was weird I tell you I can still see it clearly.

This pic I didn't end up posting actually but I think it correctly showcases the sweet me vs like the demonic me.  I like the demonic/bad me lol haha.  I think all indian women or just all women in general have to deal with what society expects them to be.  We're supposed to be sweet and fluffy and nice and ladylike in the streets and yet also be hot and vixenish.  It's always damned if you do damned if you don't.

 This picture that I took... scares people apparently lol.  It's GOOD to be dark sometimes!

This picture was about stepping into the light or staying in the shadows...also again light vs dark... public vs private.  See.... all so recurring.  N people think I just thought I looked good and posted a random pic.  It's all about artistic expression baby!